Call It What You Want To

Chapter 24: Kyler

I wasn't expecting the transition to going "no-contact" with my parents to be as easy as it was. The first week back to school was difficult and weird, but not for the reasons that most people would assume. It was weird because it felt like I'd spend half of every school day in the guidance counselor's office while she tried to get me to talk about how it made me feel that I wasn't living with my family anymore. She also asked what I was planning on doing after high school, and for once I had an answer: I don't know. I didn't know, and I was perfectly fine with not knowing right now. I had been getting used to using Mrs. Beckett's mantra in my everyday life: Just one day at a time.

It was difficult because, for the first week, each day was a different battle. Getting my diabetes supplies was the first priority, and when the school called my mom about it and threatened a child neglect charge if it wasn't handled, she apparently came to the school and dropped off several boxes of things that were supposed to go home with me. I guess when she came into the office, all she said was "This should last until she's eighteen." None of the office staff had to ask what it was, they just let Principal Shafer take over before calling Taya's parents and asking if one of them could come get it.

The boxes had more than just insulin and Dexcom replacement pieces. My mom must've already started to clear out my room, because random things I'd recognized from my room and closet were strewn in between the necessary things my mom needed to give me to avoid a call from CPS. When Taya and I unpacked them later that night, I did the best I could to not fall apart while I decided what I wanted to keep with me in Taya's room versus what I was ready to let go of. Some of the things just reminded me too much of "my old life".

That's what I had been referring to it as. Life with "The Midwest Morgans" was over, and while that was freeing, I felt like I had lost a part of my identity. As much as I hated being on camera, it was all I had known for years and it became a part of me. It's kinda like when you have braces and then you get them removed. The thing that was bothering you and causing pain for ages was finally gone, but now you kept feeling running your tongue across your teeth and thinking about how weird it feels, despite that being the real you without any attachments. Now that "my old life" had basically died, I really had to sit and think about who I actually was and wanted to be.

Taya and her parents were helping me with the whole "figuring out who I am" thing, and thank God because I don't think I would've been able to do this solo. It started with two things: deciding what I wanted to do after high school and writing in this shadow work journal that Carrie gave me.

Somewhere in the craziness of my first full week at the Beckett house, Taya got her acceptance letters to two different high end universities, including her dream school: the John Jay College of Criminal Justice. When Taya realized that she made it in a few days after we started going back to school, she completely flipped out, screaming and everything. Her reaction made me realize that I wanted to have something planned that I was that excited about too, and that's where the work began.

For a couple hours one night, Mr. Beckett helped me find a couple different options for what I could do post-high school. There was online college, work certificates, the idea of a gap year, and a couple other possibilities that I was offered. "You pick what you wanna do. Don't worry about any sort of financials or anything, I've got you," Mark promised me at their kitchen island one night. I was about to protest, feeling a little guilty, when he stopped me with, "Hey, I didn't write a blockbuster hit trilogy for all the money to just collect dust in some bank!"

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet, but I was learning to be okay with that. After having my life revolved around the schedule of a camera and uploads to the internet, I was happy to move at my own pace and try out different things to see what I liked. The shadow work journal was helping with that a lot. A whole bunch of these different prompts were supposed to help you heal inside and learn more about yourself, and they really were working. It was like therapy that you didn't have to leave the couch for.