Potty Mouth

Bathroom Acoustics

Nebraska is a state in the United States of America. A boring state really. Nothing ever happens there. There is no story about how a mafia stole from a huge bank, no action movie that takes place in the farmlands, and definitely no amazing pop star that claims Nebraska as their small-town home.

I guess it would only be appropriate that people would think I'm a boring person.

I'm Nebraska Evelyn Harris. Boring, I guess, is in my name.

Though my boringness may also be because I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; AKA a Mormon. That's right. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I didn't date or even become friends with guys until I was sixteen, and I most definitely have never seen an R rated movie. Arn't I just a buzz of excitement? But I like being a Mormon! It keeps me safe and helps me be closer to God. I wouldn't trade it for any 'fun' those things have to offer.

Though It does get tiring when your friends tease you for having such high standards. They'd always tell me to loosen up, relax a little. Relax? How could I relax?! I was trying to get through my first semester of college at Maximus Trace University, get a degree in studio arts and communications, and on top of that, work my butt off at a less than pleasing job! I HAD NO TIME TO RELAX!!!

However, my friends still persisted in telling me to calm down, compromise my standards just a little for enjoyment. Eventually, I just got sick of it and ran to the bathroom in my dorm whenever they were bugging me; hiding my cell phone on the counter at the front door.

That was about the time the toilet started talking to me.

One of my friends, Mackenzie Barnes, was teasing me about missing a party last Tuesday. There was alcohol, inappropriate dancing, and apparently the authorities arrived... How is that a party? Anyway, our discussion had gotten really heated, so I decided to vent in the bathroom. And by vent, I mean cry. Our argument had gotten to the point to where Mackenzie had declared she would never talk to me again. I had known her since middle school; I was mortified.

As salty tears rolled down my freckled face, I heard someone clear their throat. I assumed it was my roommate outside the bathroom door. She always wanted to come in to see if I was alright. Occasionally, I'd let her come in. Her concern always made me feel better. However, I was sitting in the bathtub, and really didn't feel like getting out to unlock the door.

"Go away Clare!" I sniffled, "There's nothing you can say to make me feel better!"

"Snuffleupuhgus."

That was a male's voice. My eyes widened in surprise and terror. Had a boy gotten into my dorm room?!

"What?" I said, my voice sounding like I had had a cold for a week.

"Snuffleupuhgus. Does that make you feel better?"

"No." I replied, sneaking out of the bathtub and walking to the door. I turned the little locking nob and quickly opened the door just an inch. There was no one there.

"Well--" The voice chuckled, using a piece of language I didn't like, "That usually always makes my little sis laugh."

"Don't say... that D word." I replied, turning back into the bathroom. It had definitely come from in there.

"And why--"emphasis on the evil D word "not?" 

Now I was getting annoyed. Not only did the mysterious disembodied voice creep me out, but now it was using profanity! Deliberately just to make me mad! 

"Because!" I pouted, "It's a naughty word and I don't like it."

"Fair enough." The voice sighed, "So I take it you're a Mormon then, yeah?"

"How do you know that?" I asked, scooting over to the toilet. I opened the lid, expecting to find the owner of the voice there. Don't question, my sanity was only so-so at that time. Why else would I continue talking to a voice coming from the toilet? I sat there with the lid open, me staring into the clear water of the porcelain throne. "Did the toilet just speak to me?" I whispered.

"Ha! No!" The voice came again, "I'm you're downstairs neighbor. I just moved in not two seconds ago. I'm from Utah. Where are you from?"

"Virginia." I replied, wiping my snotty nose on my red long sleeve shirt, "How can you talk from the toilet?"

"I'm not. There's a vent." I jumped as I heard some clanging sounds from the side of the toilet. I looked over at a white vent in the corner. "How the--" He paused; probably going to say a synonym to purgatory. "...heck... would I talk through a toilet?"

"I don't know." I stuttered, pushing my palms to my eyes, "Just... just go away. I don't want you to hear me."

"But I just got here! I still need to unpack and get myself settled before I meet up with my friends. Can you cry softer, maybe? Or go into your room?"

I cried even harder. I don't know why, but when he talked about his friends, it made me think of Mackenzie. I clutched my sides; it hurt so much! I put my head on the faded blue striped wall, putting my hand over my mouth to try and stop the noise.

"Woah! Take it easy there!" The boy's voice echoed, "Your break-up couldn't have been that bad."

"What?!" I shouted at the little indents in the floor, "You have no idea!"

"Look, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. It's not the end of the world."

"I'm not crying over my boyfriend!" I screamed at him. He was silent for a moment as I huffed and sniffled over the vent. "My best friend... she won't talk to me anymore... She respected my differences back then...what changed? She won't talk to me anymore and I... I..."

I sobbed, feeling like throwing up into the vent. "Do you know what it's like to loose your best friend?"

The voice didn't talk for a long time, leading me to think he had gone. I jumped as his voice returned, "Hey. Wanna come hang out with us? I texted my friends and they're cool with it."

I didn't respond. My mind was still not clear, and I was afraid another spurt of tears would come out if I removed my hand from my mouth.

"We're going to Olive Garden!" the voice coaxed, making a small flicking sound on the vent. I did like pasta. "I'm buying!" That was music to my ears!

I wiped my face with both my hands. "But" *Totally attractive and loud sniff* "I don't even know you."

"Well what better way to introduce ourselves? Plus, I think you're in the market for a better friend, right?"

He made me laugh, "Better friend? We just met! How do I know if you're really better?"

"Only one way to find out, right?"

I could sense a cocky smile growing across his face; oddly enough, I felt one start to form on mine as well. I shook my head. I needed to think clearly! There was too much to do! I couldn't go out! There was the english paper I needed to perfect, math equations that I hadn't even started, and don't even get me started about how many dishes were piled up in the sink that night! There was like three plates and a fork! I couldn't let those sit out over night.

I was about to tell him that I wasn't interested and that I'd much rather focus on my school work, but something different came out, "What's your name?"

I didn't know what had just happened! I was ready to turn him down! I was ready to just leave it be and never talk to the weird downstairs neighbor ever again! But none of the words had come out right. It was as if my mouth refused to say anything I had planned it to say.

"What's yours?" He replied, sounding amused.

"Nebraska."

"Well Nebraska..." He paused, "like the state?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's interesting. Anyways." He cleared his throat, "Well Nebraska, if you want to know my name, be ready in thirty minutes. I'll pick you up then."

I heard a loud squeezing noise as his vent was closed, leaving me in confusion and utter amazement. Did I just get invited to dinner while in the bathroom?