Operation Heart

Ten Years of Suffering

2011

When she had heard the gun go off, her heart had stopped. At first she thought maybe she had been shot, or the bastard they were being forced to protect, but no. It was him, he had been shot. The bullet had entered between two of his ribs, and lodged into a rib on the other side of him. His wife and their five children sat in the waiting room, all silent and still, even little Eli, who wasn't even two yet. But she couldn't stop pacing. Cragen, Munch, and Fin had all tried to convince her it wasn't her fault he had been shot, but wasn't it? She was his partner, for God's sake. If she had been watching, she would have seen Jenna Fox aim the gun at Elliot.

She should have been watching.

She should have seen.

She should have protected him the way he protected her for so many years.

Why wasn't she watching?

If he didn't wake up, if he didn't make it out of this, she would never forgive herself, and she doubted Kathy or his kids would either. "Liv," she thought she heard his voice, and it made her heart skip a beat, but when she looked up from the floor, it was just Cragen standing in front of her. "You need to eat something, or at least drink some water." Always the father figure for his team. She hadn't ate since that morning when her and Elliot had gone to get donuts for their unit, and it was after midnight now.

She shook her head, brushing off his concern as she continued pacing. She glanced down at her hands, noticing the red she hadn't bothered trying to wash off yet, Elliot's blood, A-positive. He had told her that once, in an elevator, in the middle of a case, because she realized she hadn't known it. Now she can't get it out of her head, just like so many of their other interactions.

She wasn't in love with him, they were just partners, best friends, really. She knew that was a lie. She loved him, but he loved his wife, his family, and she had resigned herself to that fact, that she would only ever be his friend, but in her mind, that was better than nothing.

"Are you guys the family of Elliot Stabler?" A doctor in blue scrubs, covered in blood, inquired as he looked at the large group. Kathy stood up immediately, and Olivia felt Munch on one side of her, and Fin on the other, a silent show of support.

"Y-y-yes, I'm his wife. Is he going to be okay?" Kathy questioned, her voice sounded rushed, shaky, and scared. The carefully constructed façade she had used to try to prevent her children from being scared crumbled when the doctor looked at her with sad eyes.

"I am deeply sorry for your loss," was all he said, and that was when Olivia's world collapsed.

"I-I've gotta go," she mumbled and started to walk away.

"Liv," Fin said softly, trying to stop her from walking away.

"I-I'm fine, Fin. I need a minute." She turned and walked away, entering a bathroom. She started scrubbing at the dried blood on her hands with scalding water and a ferocity she had never experienced before when the first sob racked her body.

Her best friend.

Her partner.

Her home.

Her Elliot.

He was gone, and she'd never see him again. Never hug him, never feel his breath on her ear as he comforted her after an especially hard case.

Suddenly the door to the women's bathroom opened, and she looked in the mirror to find Cragen standing there. His arms wrapped around her in a tight hug as he silently comforted her, but it wasn't the same. He wasn't Elliot. No one was. "It's going to be okay," Cragen whispered, but she shook her head.

"It should have been me, Cap. I should have been the one who got shot, I should have protected him. Dammit!" She shouted, punching his torso, trying to push him away, letting all of her emotions out on him, but he never let his grip loosen, even after she had quieted down, and just silently sobbed.

Present Day

Exactly ten years later, ten long, excruciating, painful, years later, Olivia entered the cemetery. She hadn't spoken to Kathy or Eli since the day Elliot died, but she was still close with Maureen, Kathleen, and the twins. She was carrying a bouquet of violets, and was surprised to find that no one was at his gravestone currently. She crouched to set the flowers down, and cocked her head sadly, trying to keep her tears at bay. "Hey, partner, it's been awhile since I've come by, mainly because I know you would have hated all this pity you've received in the past decade. But in everyone's defense, we miss you. I'm sure Cragen will be by at some point, same with Fin, Munch, definitely the kids. You touched a lot of lives, and nothing's been the same without you here."

Olivia took a deep breath. She looked up, blinked back tears, and let out a long breath. "I hate you. I hate you for leaving me like this, I hate you for dying, I hate you for not being here. But I don't really hate you, El. You know I don't hate you, I never could. It's just easier to pretend I hate you than to admit how much I miss you, and the fact that no one will ever care for me the way you did. Why the hell did it have to be you? Why did you have to be the one to die? Why couldn't it have been me? You have a family, an entire life, back then all I had was you and work."

She opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by her phone ringing. She knew it had to be important if Fin was calling her right then. "Benson," she answered the phone.

"Hey, Liv, sorry to bother you. But we've got a case, and we need you. I'll drop a pin of where to meet us," Fin said before he hung up.

When Olivia got the pin, she started to stand up. "I miss you, El. But I promise I'll come visit soon." Without another word she walked to her car, silently letting the tears fall for a minute. It turned out time didn't heal all wounds, sometimes the tears just filled the cracks in a person's heart to calm the hot fury to just a dull ache.