Operation Heart

The Second Letter

The next night Noah was asleep in his bed at Cragen's house, and Olivia was standing in the doorway, watching him sleep. After twenty minutes Cragen was able to convince her to go into the living room and have a seat. He understood how she was feeling, at least somewhat. When she was growing up, his job had never endangered her, but after working with her as long as he had, he understood the terror that had gripped her when she had learned her son had been in danger. He knew that it had to have been heightened because Noah didn't know how to protect himself the way Olivia could protect herself. Olivia curled up on the couch, tucking her feet underneath her as Cragen brought her a cup of hot tea. "How are you doing?" He asked, sitting on the couch next to her. He knew that what had happened to Noah wasn't the only thing on her mind.

"I'm fine," she said softly, not looking up from the steam coming off of her tea. She felt her dad's hand on her shoulder, and she felt her composure start to crumble ever so slightly.

"You're not that good of a liar, at least not with me, Liv. Talk to me, kiddo." She laughed at the nickname since she wasn't even a decade away from sixty. She then sighed and turned to look at him.

"I met Ashley not long after Serena died, if you remember. A parent who's supposed to love you, but loves substances like booze and drugs more, I sympathized with her. And then seeing her yesterday, seeing what happened to her. She was in and out of foster homes following that case, and I never once checked on her. I was around her age when I was removed from Serena's care, and I was in two foster homes before I was placed for the last time, and they were bad, really bad. I can't imagine bouncing around dozens of them." There were tears in Olivia's eyes as she spoke. Cragen took her cup from her and sat it on the table before hugging her. He didn't care that she was a grown woman, she would always be his little girl, no matter what.

"You sympathized with her, but that doesn't mean that what happened to her, or the decisions she made, were your fault, Liv. She decided to turn to drugs, she decided to kidnap an innocent child. None of this is on you." It was clear she didn't believe him. "I wish all kids found families as quickly as you did," he said softly, hugging her tighter.

She sighed again and shrugged. "I was lucky...beyond lucky. Serena got so drunk one night that she threw a bottle at my head, the glass cut me right under my eye, so I called 911. You and Munch happened to be driving by at that time and were the first ones on the scene."

"We were also the ones who took you to the hospital to make sure you didn't need stitches because you wouldn't talk to anyone except for us," he interjected, remembering it all like it was yesterday. "And then I went home and asked Marge how she felt about adoption. She agreed with me, but we were both so nervous because of everything you had been through."

"I was not an easy child," Olivia said and took a long sip from her cup of tea. He laughed.

"No child is easy, Livvie."

"Noah is. I still don't know how the hell I got so lucky with him. I guess my karma for all the anxiety I caused you and mom growing up was the team. I don't know how you were Captain for as long as you were, I consistently want to strangle all of the detectives that come through the revolving door of my team, especially Amanda and Fin, and then myself." Cragen laughed again and shook his head.

"I had it easier than you did, in some cases. The most I had to worry about was John and Fin fighting like brothers, my sobriety, and you and Elliot acting as if you didn't have feelings for each other." Olivia's eyes widened and she opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Cragen. "I'm your dad, Livvie, I saw the way you two looked at each other when you thought no one was watching. You have to raise your young son, put up with the brass worse than I ever did, handle Elliot being alive, handle Cabot being back in your life, and the fact that your two best detectives are both dating people that are heavily involved in their work." She didn't bother asking how he knew about the last part. "Can I say something that is probably going to make you cry?"

Olivia felt a slight bit of fear grasp her, and she inhaled deeply before she spoke. "Sure." Her voice shook slightly as if she was unsure if she actually wanted to hear whatever it was her dad wanted to say to her.

He stood up and pulled her to her feet, hugging her before he whispered. "Mom would be so proud of the woman, and mother that you've become, Livvie." He was right, as soon as he said it tears filled her eyes. He felt her shoulders shake slightly as she let the tears fall. Her mom had meant the world to her, so hearing that made her happy.

"I still remember the first time I called either of you something other than Detective and Mrs. Cragen. Her and I were baking cookies in that kitchen for your birthday, the second one since you guys adopted me. She had given me a cookie to taste test, and I said, 'Thanks, mommy.' She froze, and I thought I was in trouble, until she hugged me and said that she loved me while crying. That same night I called you dad, you dropped the book you were going to read to me before I fell asleep," she said with a watery laugh.

"Marge found me in the bedroom later, also crying. I didn't want you to think you had upset me," he admitted, still hugging her. "Go get some sleep. You and Noah have both had rough times lately. I'll see you in the morning, kiddo." She nodded, wiped her eyes, and went to her childhood bedroom, but she couldn't sleep. She pulled Elliot's letter out of her bag and read it, again. She didn't trust her voice to talk to him about the letter either in person, or over the phone. An email or a text felt too impersonal, so she decided to write a letter of her own.

Dear Elliot,

I read the letter, and you just might be the biggest asshole I have ever met, Elliot Stabler. Lying to me about being alive was your call to make, but I wish you hadn't forced others to go along with it, especially my dad, and your kids because they're the people I trust the most. Instead of carrying the "burden" of my partner secretly being alive, I was forced to carry the burden of not being able to protect my partner from danger the way you continuously protected me for twelve fucking years, and the burden that your blood was quite literally on my hands. Thank you for at least having the kindness to feel bad about what you put everyone, myself included, through. As I'm sure you realized when Jet read dad's police report from the shooting, I didn't handle the aftermath well, but that is not something I am ready or willing to discuss yet, or possibly ever.

I want to forgive you, I really do. But I'm not sure if I can, I know I can't right now. If I could go back in time, I'd be the one who got shot. If the roles had been reversed, you would have been fine. You would have survived easily. You wouldn't have become a shell of the person you once were the way I did, but I guess we'll never know, will we? Does Kathy know the truth yet? She'll be pissed, but also ecstatic that you're alive. I'm sure she missed her husband.

Your former partner,

Olivia

Ps. The box this is in is all of the stuff from your desk that I packed up following your death (thanks for that by the way) minus a few things that I kept to remember you by.

Pps. Thank you for all of your help when Noah was taken.

Olivia folded the letter up and put it in the envelop, making a mental note to find the box in the back of her closet at home that had all of his old stuff, so she could return it to him once she and Noah were back in the city. After putting both envelopes in her bag she climbed into bed and quickly fell into a dreamless sleep, knowing that Noah was safe.