The Year of You (on hold)

chapter 4

After Nabeel left I sat down on the floor, wondering what just happened. I sit for about an hour just thinking. I then realize I have to finish washing the dishes, and pray Isha. I put all the dishes away and clean the kitchen and dining room, then head into me and Nabeel's room. I pray Isha and sit to read Quran.

I check the clock. It's 1:15 am and Nabeel still hasn't come home yet. I try not to think of where he is. I decide that I should fast the day. So I head down to the kitchen and eat a banana and drink a cup of water. Then I go up to our room and lay in bed setting an alarm for 3 am so I can get up and pray tahajjud and fajr.

I'm not sure exactly what time I doze off but I wake up when Nabeel gets home. He staggers into the room, and almost falls over then I rush to get up and help him. "Are you alright?" I ask as I draw closer to him. He reeks of alcohol. "You're drunk!" I exclaim, full of disgust. I try and ignore that as I walk him to the bed. The smell is so putrid I begin to tear up. When I lay him down and try and leave him he gets a tight hold on my wrist and pulls me onto him. "Stop." I say my voice shaking trying to get up. But he's much stronger then me, he rolls on top of me and I feel half his body weight pressing onto my hips and legs. He smells sour, he's intoxicated, I'm crying. "Get off me." I struggle to say, but he puts a finger to my lips and tells me to shut up. "Please" I whimper shutting my eyes and imagining the worst. He starts to laugh, a coarse, dry laugh, and I can can smell his disgusting breath. my body feels rigid and he begins to talk. " don't be afraid of me. i'm not going to hurt you." he says, and it sounds like he's trying to convince me. "don't worry, i'm not going to do anything to you. i don't want anything from you. just know this." his words are slurred and hard to understand. " i didn't want to marry you. i never did." the words sting like salt on an open wound. "i only married you because i promised my grandfather i'd marry the halal way someday. after he passed i figured i'd have to marry someone, but everyone knew what i was like. i'm so surprised your family didn't see through me." the entire time he's talking he's breath is stinging my face, as though my tears were made of acid. my legs and hips are numb as i barely feel his weight ontop of me. " i know that you love me unconditionally, and you'd never hurt me. be loyal to me muneerah. be good to me. or else you know the consequences." and with that he drops himself right on top of me and i feel his whole weight, still not enough to subdue the weight of his words that made my heart heavy. i push him off of me and leave the room taking my quran and prayer mat with me.

i'm not sure whether to call my mother or not as i go into the living room, barely making it down the stairs. light-headed and dizzy, i lay my prayer mat facing the qibla* and begin to pray. instead i call Allah. "O Merciful One, have mercy on me, for you are the Most Merciful. Ya Allah, i'm following the deen and living by the way of our beloved Prophet SAW, yet this is still happening to me. what sin are you punishing me for? O Lord, i ask from you patience, please ya Rabbi give me patience. please give me guidance. what do i do?" i ask in dua, crying until i can't breathe. then i read Quran, seeking answers.

the next morning, i wake up on the floor. i dreamt i was in Palestine, in Gaza, watching a man call the kids to eat candy. of course, these children haven't had candy in so long, so they run towards the man. the candies were full of poison, and i wanted to warn the kids not to eat them, but i couldn't speak. my mouth opened and shut but i couldn't make a sound. i wanted to reach out to to them but everytime i drew near they'd go farther away. after the kids ate the candy, they dropped dead and their parents called out to them, then to Allah, asking what wrong did they do, to deserve this type of punishment. i recall the same words i asked Allah last night. then from no where, a light came and a beautiful voice began to recite Quran. a beautiful recitation of surah baqara ayah 286

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذْنَا إِن نَّسِينَا أَوْ أَخْطَأْنَا رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَا إِصْرًا كَمَا حَمَلْتَهُ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِنَا رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِ وَاعْفُ عَنَّا وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا أَنتَ مَوْلَانَا فَانصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ

"Allah does not burden a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."

tears flooded my eyes as i remember the mercy of my Lord. He won't put me through what i can't bear. He is only testing me. and Allah only tests those He loves.

A/N: So what'd you all think? will Allah's test shake muneerah's faith? let me know in the comments below, and you may think the story is going really fast, it'll all subtle out in a few chapters. jazak Allah khair! don't forget to vote!