For The Rats (One-Shots)

A List Of Things That Don't Make Sense

I like him. But a relationship wouldn't make sense. 

Sometimes I feel as though I am brain dead. Dropped, decaying, paralyzed maybe. Something. I wouldn't say I'm struggling necessarily, but it's not my normal. 

See, Awsten doesn't make sense. Does he like me? Is he just joking? If he's being legit, why wouldn't he just come out and say something? And why do I like him, if a relationship that was anything past just being friends wouldn't make sense? 

I was sitting at the table doing work for a free class at an online collage, taking notes, but then I couldn't focus. It's like... my mind is being pulled from every direction. My life is the best it's been, ever. So I wouldn't say I'm struggling, but like. What the fuck. 

Awsten and I have managed to walk in and out of each others' lives countless times. We exist, and then we don't. And every time he's in my life I'm left thinking about him and mulling it over, liking him. We're just friends but damn, we could be more. 

My attraction to him doesn't make sense. It often leaves me in the dark, feeling lost. Abandoned whenever he is with someone else romantically. I don't like Awsten for his body, or his face, or his personality. It's not for anything he has to offer. I don't even know if I do like him-- because I don't know why. I cannot figure out why I like him. I've just known him for so long, I never know anyone that long. It's been like 5 years? Off and on with no-contact. Parting ways and then stumbling into each other a few years later, both of us completely changed and transformed into different people. That just doesn't make sense. It's like the universe was constantly trying to push us together, but anything more than a friendship just wasn't logical. Awsten was in the military. I'm just.. me. He wants to be in the FBI someday, my goals are getting my band famous and playing sold out shows every week. We were going different paths, then why do we keep getting cosmically yeeted together? 

It just doesn't make sense. 

He doesn't make sense. 

It doesn't make sense the way he only flirts with me when he's drunk. Does he really like me, or is it just the alcohol? Is he just bored? Is he just joking? I always play it off as joking, even when I tell him I love him. It's a "friends" kind of love. But what if it wasn't? 

It doesn't make sense the way I dreamed about him. About us. I had a weird-ass dream about going over to visit him and his mom being there. I don't know why but we were cleaning a water dispenser for chickens, he was raising little yellow chicks. In my dream, I waited for him to get off work. But when he was off, he had to go back, and when he was returning for the second time I was whisked away into someone's car. I remember hearing his voice say, "Please tell me you made it to the house by now." 

My dream didn't make sense. 

He doesn't make sense. 

We don't make sense. 

It doesn't make sense the way he's deploying. To Japan? That's so far away. I know we'll still be friends, but if we were supposed to get together.. what the fuck? 

But if we're just friends, it doesn't make sense the way he looks at me. Friends don't look at each other like that. It doesn't make sense the way he was awkward around me last time we met. Unless he liked me. 

But if he doesn't? 

It doesn't make sense the way the lamp over the table won't turn on now. It's dark out. 

A/N: The story ended, but I promised I'd get to 666 words like you said. This one is dedicated to you. 

Maybe it'll make sense after reading this.