Abroad

Self awareness

I...

I'm sorry,

I feel I haven't been myself lately.

The days go by,

I flee in pursue of new tasks,

Something to follow,

To feed my anxious desperation,

For knowledge.

I have so much to be thankful for,

So much to be happy about,

But lately,

I've felt... different.

Stagnant,

Unmoving,

The scenery never changes,

Even though,

I run as fast as I can.

I see myself plagued,

With the same mistakes,

I feed my mind,

But no change ensues,

I read,

I train,

I learn,

To keep my imperfections,

My desperate attempts at fulfillment,

All at bay.

I read about emotional intelligence.

About stoicism,

I read the bible plans intently,

I pay attention to the meaning of the words.

And yet,

Like a net across my face,

Everything bounces back.

Like a canvas repelling paint,

A rubber ball launched against the floor.

I am kept at bay,

By the same shortcomings,

I already know all too well,

The same ones I've rejected,

Time and time again,

I shut the door,

In their face,

The door is kicked down,

And they enter once again,

Uninvited.

I love you all,

But I hate myself so much.

I hate that Ill smile today,

Only to be overcome with anger tomorrow.

What good is it?

To know your weaknesses,

What benefit is there?

To pinpoint your blind sides.

If they shall forever remain the same?

Does knowing you will fail,

Make it better?

Or is blissful ignorance of thyself better?

Even if I'm better,

Then what I was,

I'm still no good,

Nor will I be.

How could I even see myself,

Loving another?

If I cannot escape,

This feeling of hatred,

Towards myself?

How could I be the man,

To woman?

A father,

To a child?

If I cannot jump this hurdle?

I love you all...

I am just so... broken.