Kurt Was My Lover

Chapter 19

April 5, 1994

Today is the day where I usually secretly meet up with Kurt. He told me not to meet him today because he wasn't feeling to well, but I'm still gonna go. I put on my ripped jeans, a white halter top with white converse. I decide to go without makeup on. Oh and did I tell you that I dyed my hair blonde and cut it up to my shoulders. I actually like it. I brushed it and parted it down the middle. I then drove over to Kurt's house and saw him lying down in the green house with a gun on his stomach pointed at his face.

I sprinted as fast as I could.

"Kurt!" I scream. He stands up right away.

"Oh my f*cking gosh don't do that to me. Don't ever do that again. I thought you committed suicide." I said while crying.

I then see a note that said To Buddah and I knew what it was about.

"You were gonna commit suicide" I say while covering my mouth while crying because I was so surprised.

"Your so selfish. You were gonna leave me here all alone on this f*cking planet!! You douche bag. I can't believe you were gonna leave me here" I say while scream crying at him.

"I just can't handle it anymore" he says while holding the gun up to his head.

"Wait" I say while he was about to pull the trigger.

"You don't think I'm in pain. I've been in pain just like you. Your not the only one Kurt. Remember when I told you wen you die I die. And I'm not ready to leave yet." I say while crying and Kurt was crying too we were both sobbing.
I grab the other gun up to my head.

"No don't do this to yourself." he says.

"No you don't do this to yourself. Kurt your not alone, I love you, I love you, I love you baby please don't do this please I'm begging you." I say to him.

"I can't take it anymore. I don't want to hide us being together." he says.

"We won't have too Kurt. We can run away, lets just wait it out Kurt, we can be all poetic and just loose our minds together" I cry to him begging him on my knees now still the gun at my head since his was still at his head.

"I love you too" he says to me.

"Kurt please don't please. I love you I love you." I cry while grabbing his hand and kissing it a bunch.

I than fall to the floor because I'm crying so much.

Kurt goes down on the floor with me and holds my free hand with his free hand.

"People like us don't belong here" Kurt says.

I grab paper while writing my suicide note which was, To my family and friends and Dave, I love you all very much. Be strong Frances and Courtney.

I was shaking so much that I could barely write.

"You don't need to write anything because your not leaving. I am. Think about how much better life would be without me" Kurt cries.

"No Kurt. Do you see how I am now. That's how I will be forever but a million times worse." I cry to him.

He than kisses me and it was passionate. During the kiss he whispers "I love you so much, your the only person I love. Your my best friend and soul mate. I love you Amanda."

I just keep kissing him. While we were kissing I hear him pull the trigger and e screams out in pain causing me to scream.

"NOOO" I scream cried while he fell to the ground barely breathing. I drop my gun and rush over it him.

"Kurt listen to me I love you. I love you too. I'll see you in heaven. I love you so much" I cried. It felt like my hurt ripped out of my chest.

My whole body was shaking like crazy.

I picked up the hand gun and shot myself.

While I still could I laid next to Kurt while grabbing his hand.

"Listen to my voice. Close your eyes" I uttered.

He turned facing towards me with blood pouring out of his mouth.

"I want to die looking at you." he cries while I'm still crying.

We than stare at each other. Screaming in pain together.

We just cry together.

"I love you goddess" he cries to me barely being able to say it and when he opens his mouth blood comes out of it.

"I love you too my soul mate" I cry back to him while blood pours out of my mouth. I than see his eyes roll back. And I scream because it felt worse seeing him die than me actually dying. I than feel a squeeze in my hand from him. I knew that was him saying he'll see my in heaven right now.

His body starts to twitch as mine does too like crazy. Kurt Cobain was my soul mate, my best friend. Kurt Cobain was my lover.