Mikey's ED

Shattered Glass

Tears freely ran down my face without my mask to soak them up. I paced around my bedroom, unsure of what to do.

They know... They know about everything! What am I supposed to do?! Do I keep lying? But they already caught me and lying more will only lead to more distrust. I should tell them the truth. But how would I do that? 'Hey dudes, I haven't eaten in almost a week straight, and have been skipping meals for almost two months to lose weight? To look better? To make you proud?' I knew I didn't look very nice right now. I looked sick. But I didn't want to stop.

They're going to be so disappointed in me. Some ninja I am. It's not like I was trying to kill myself! I don't know why that's even on Raph's mind! I eat plenty enough to keep myself from actually dying! Though, I did pass out earlier...

I stopped my pacing and looked at myself in the mirror. Everything looked wrong. I know it's wrong so why does it make me feel so.. proud? Like I'm finally satisfied with myself. I'm so much skinnier than I used to be. A little more than I wanted originally..

But the only thing I can think about is going farther. To keep going down this road until all I am is skin and bones in an empty shell. It's wrong. It's so wrong. I know it's wrong, this is all so wrong!!

Anger filled me, anger at myself, at Raph. At this stupid mirror. If I didn't have a mirror I wouldn't have been able to see myself. I wouldn't have noticed my fat, I wouldn't have stopped eating, and I wouldn't have worried and disappointed my brothers...

Suddenly, in the heat of the moment, I let out a cry as I punched the mirror as hard as I could. The mirror shattered, pieces cutting into my hand, and covered the ground. I then grabbed the mirror and threw it to the floor, making a huge noise as most of the remaining glass fell. I looked down at the mess I just caused, feeling the anger dissipate completely and a new wave of fresh tears began to fall. I dropped onto the ground and positioned myself so my shell was resting against the bed, and I half buried my head into my arms, keeping my eyes focused on the broken glass shards in front of me.

Why do I always cause such a big mess out of everything...

I heard a knock come from my door but I didn't move.

"Hey, Mikey? Can I come in?"

Raph. Of course it's Raph. Why wouldn't it be Raph?!

I still don't move. I don't say anything. After a few moments, I heard the door open and Raph stepped into the room. He stopped, and another few seconds went by before a heavy sigh was heard. I then heard the door shut before Raph came towards me and sat down right next to me. Shoulder to shoulder. I wanted to pull away, but I couldn't. In a way, the small touch brought comfort that I hadn't felt in this room in a long time.

At this point, my tears had slowed down, and for a while, the only thing that could be heard was my sniffing and both our light breathing. I could feel Raph shift slightly beside me, probably feeling uncomfortable with the awkward tension that surrounded us.

"Look, Mikey. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have worded everything so...harshly." Raph said quietly. I don't respond in any way so he continues. "We're just worried Mikey. I'm worried. You've been so different lately. You haven't pulled any pranks in weeks! Or asked me to go skateboarding or really spend any time outside your room. You're always just sleeping. And every day it only seemed to get worse.. We thought letting you sleep more would bring you out of this slump, but no matter how much sleep you seemed to get, you still seemed so tired..." He brought a hand up, covering his eyes.

"So today, after you passed out we knew there was something big going on. Something you weren't telling us. Donnie had to inject you with some sort of drug to bring your heart rate back up. He took some blood and looked at it. He didn't even do any more tests because after we talked, we realized we hadn't seen you eat in a long time. Leo said we ran out of eggs yesterday. Donnie said you threw up your dinner..."