raison d'être (a reason for existing)

{14} Dreams

I change into a blue shift despite being so tired my bones hurt. I've come to eat my food in my chambers, the one thing I'm allowed. The castle is completely bathed in sun when I walk down the stairs. Breakfast must have just ended as I see Jaehaerys racing through the halls, pursued by his new nanny.

With a shriek, Jaehaerys dashes over, trying to clamor up into my arms. "Chase me!" he yells, out of breath, full of the wriggling ecstasy of childhood. Even Targaryen men are young once.

Impulsively, I hug him too my chest. He's warm and smells of new leather and a bath he's recently taken apparently. He lets me do it for a moment, small arms twining around my neck, small head butting against my chin. Then, laughing, he slides down and away, throwing a glance back to see if I'll follow him.

Growing up here, in King's Landing, will he scorn his other family? Will he scorn me? Will he too become cruel like his brother Aegon or Aemond? Or will he become brutal like the men before him?

As I watch his nanny run past, I turn face to face with Aemond who is looking at me with a smirk. "I see my mother has granted you a bit more freedom from having to see me." he says.

  "That's none of your business." I tell him.

  "While I do like a lady of mystery, I do think it is my business seeing as though you're my wife."

Jaehaerys's nanny continues to chance him.

  "I would just like a little peace and quiet, that's all."

  "You haven't had enough of it, yet?"

  "Obviously not." I say, hearing Jaehaerys' little feet behind me. I pick him up and spin him around, making him giggle before setting him down so he can keep avoiding his nanny. I don't see his twin sister anywhere so she must be still at breakfast or another nanny is handling her away from her raucous brother.

  "You're playing a dangerous game, wife."

I'm not sure how to interpret his words. I didn't think I was playing a game at all. I thought I was just pissing off people who hated me already and eating the consequences. I turn my head, looking for my nephew but he is no longer in the halls.

I've often wondered if there was anything about the Red Keep that never felt cold, dead, or sterile. I mean, as I walk the gravel paths for the thousandth time, I see not one pebble out of place. The bushes of flowers have been clipped for spring, the hedges for the garden are cut into the sky in high, precise neat walls.

After walking along the paths for an hour or so, trying to stay as far away as possible from inside the castle, I led myself back into the Red Keep.

I feel like taking a long, long nap so as the Queen, it's exactly what I do. I trudge up to my chambers, not bothering to slip anything off, also not feeling motivated enough to pull back the covers, and flop down face first and wait for sleep to greet me.

Images swirl through my mind as I sleep. Slowly the scenes coalesced into a vivid dreams cape of memories long past.

I find myself back in the Red Keep, running barefoot through familiar corridors. Laughter echoes ahead and I follow the joyous sound, heart swelling with longing. Bursting into the gardens, I spot them.

Jace and Luke splash in the fountain, soaking to the bone but with smiles lighting their faces. Catching sight of me, they whoop and drag me into the spray. I giggle uncontrollably as they drive on me, attacking with cupped hands full of water.

  "Please, stop!" I gasp between bouts of laughter. They finally relent, clutching their sides with mirth as I squeeze water from my hair. Oh, how I miss this- carefree days with the brothers who used to try and protect me from all harm.

  "Come on, let's go explore the godswood!" Luke shouts excitedly, taking my hand. Jace grabs the other and they race as one into the forest's emerald embrace. Wandering endless trails I feel whole, complete with my family by my side.

All too soon, dark storm clouds roll in and parted them. "Maella! Where are you?' Jace calls through the downpour. I search frantically, splashing through puddles. A flash lights the sky, revealing two small bodies floating lifelessly among the red leaves.

  "No!" I scream, lurching upright with a gasp, hot tears spilling over. Just a dream, but one that ripped open freshly healed wounds all the same. Clutching my middle as sobs wrack my frame, I ache for the family so cruelly stolen away.

Having a new memory of my brothers, even one that turned sour, feels like an unexpected gift. I miss them both so bitterly it's hard to breathe sometimes.

I lay in bed, turning it over in my mind. Taking note of every detail. The light in their eyes, and then the fear. The nervous, intense way Jace called my name. I wished I had hugged them. Or taken Jace's hand. Or met Jace's eyes as he hung over the side of the boat, probably reaching for me.

Oh gods...

Had I told them both that day that I loved them? Had I even spoken to Luke or Joffrey?

I can't remember.

I curl up in my bed and wrap my arms around myself in a mimicry of a hug. I feel as though my heart had broken. I still feel like it.

After a few minutes, I force myself to get up. Lying in bed moping wasn't going to accomplish anything. I pause at the window. It's raining.

Along with my breakfast that morning, there arrived my tea. I stare at it...and set it aside. I don't feel like taking it today. I make my way to the stairs and stand, staring down at them. I'm going to escape, I tell myself. Before I get pregnant I'm going to escape the Red Keep. Someday I'm going to come back and murder Aemond.

I'm going to be free. Free. Somewhere with enough sky that I can ride my dragon around the castle and people who wouldn't try to hurt me. I want to break something. I want to grab something and make it explode. I want to do something that would hurt.

I want to punch a mirror. I want to see the glass shatter and fracture until it looked the way I felt right now. I want my knuckles to split and bleed and feel the pain in my bones, through my palms. I'm desperate to feel something other than the misery I feel, that I'm drowning in.

But I can't so I head to my room to change for dinner.