raison d'être (a reason for existing)

{19} Drunkard

I descend the the staircase leading from Aemond and I's chambers to the royal dining hall. My stomach churns uneasily as always these days, from both anxiety and the poisons.

Alicent offers me a sad but polite smile as I take my seat. "I hope you are recovering well after your loss. These things can be so difficult."

I know that's not what she wanted to say at all but I take it anyway. Keeping my expression carefully neutral, I reply, "You are too kind, Your Grace. Time heals all wounds." I take Aemond's hand in mine and look at him. I go to steer the subject elsewhere but unfortunately, Alicent presses on.

  "We must hope that it happens soon, though."

Inside I seethed. Had word of the false babe's death not reached her ear's enough? No matter, the deception had served its purpose in the short term. "I am content for now with my duties, though your concern is appreciated." I select a bread roll, tearing off small bites to stall further conversation. Beside me at the table, Aemond catches my eyes, smirking knowingly behind his wine cup.

The arrival of supper gave my chance to recede into myself, not having to converse with Alicent any further as she's too busy making sure that Helaena is doing alright and eating and what not as Maegor was just born. Cute babe, I must say. Hopefully it will keep Alicent a little bit more preoccupied.

As soon as dinner is done, I'm excusing myself before desert can come. "Please, forgive me- it seems my lingering upset has stolen my appetite. I think some air would do me good."

Alicent nods understandingly. "Of course, take all the time you need."

Before I depart, I squeeze Helaena's shoulders, kissing her on the top of her head. As I make my way to the bed chamber, a drunkard stumbles into me. I excuse myself, but he grabs my arms to steady himself. I turn my head away from his sour breath.

  "Queen Maella. W-what a pl...pleasure." He slurs his words and I'm smiling kindly. "Heard your babe died, such a shame."

My expression turns sad as I gently push him off of me. "Thank you, sir-"

  "How would Alicent Hightower like to know that it is...a farse."

My face goes white and I'm looking at him, eyebrow arched. "I don't know what you're talking about, sir." I go to move past him but he's clutching my arm, hard. My free hand slides automatically to the hilt of my knife.

  "Don't play dumb with me, girl." He says it as though he's disgusted with me. The violence of it, the awful disdain in his voice.

  "It's Queen Maella or your grace, to you." I tell him, hoping I don't seem half as shaken as I am. Then, acting as though everything is normal, I go to move past him again. For a moment, he looks confused, but his confusion quickly morphs into rage.

He sluggishly blocks my escape, moving in front of me. "I am older than you, don't think you deserve my respect."

Looking him dead in the eyes, I force myself to smile. "I think you should get some rest, you're quite drunk and don't know what you're saying."

He's sputtering, furious. "You're nothing. You'll never be Queen in my eyes. Pah, which ever man thought it was a good idea to make woman Queens needs his manhood chopped off." He's slurring so much I can't even really understand what he's saying.

I am struck by his words. "I can have you executed for speaking ill of my family, I hope you understand that."

His mouth curls, "Then let me get out one more thing, rutting and breeding is for a woman, ruling is for men. You'd go mad if you accepted the truth of what you are. You are not a Queen," the sneer doesn't leave his face as he continues, "Your mother was the worst Queen there ever was in her...short time of Ruling." He pushes me against the wall, hard.

I try to shrug him off, but he grabs my throat, fingers pressing hard enough to cut off my airflow. "I could kill you right now and do the realm a favor," he says. "And you would be forgotten. It would be as though you'd never been born, putting an end to the reign of feeble woman."

There is no doubt in my mind that he means it, no doubt at all. Gasping, I pull the knife from my little pocket and stab him in the side. Right between his ribs. If my knife had been any longer, I would've punctured his lung and...I would've felt fine with that.

His eyes go wide with shock. His grip on me loosens. I know what my father would say- to push the blade higher. Go for an artery. Go for his heart. But if I manage it, I will have murdered someone and I don't want to have that on my hands. He's not worth it.

I balk and pull the knife free, running from the hallway. I shove the bloody blade into my pocket. Maids come to my aid and call soldiers to pick up the man. My boots clatter on the stone as I head to my chamber. Looking back, I see him on his knees, pressing a hand to his side to stanch the blood as Soldiers haul him up, making him let out a hiss of pain.

I round the corner and nearly run down Aemond.

  "Maella." he exclaims. "What happened?"

  "Nothing." I say, moving past him and he's not grabbing me to stop. There's blood on my knuckles, blood on my fingers, but not much. I would rub it off on my dress but blood is hard to get out so I wait until I'm in the bedroom.

I tell myself that I don't mind that he spoke ill of me and my position as Queen. I'm almost at the doors when Diana comes rushing beside me.

  "What happened?" She asks in urgency.

I look at her and shrug. "Nothing." we both enter the bed chambers and I see she's already gotten me a bath ready. I slip off my dress, making sure I don't get any blood on the piece of clothing before slipping in. The blood instantly curls in the water, lifting off my knuckles and hand as I sink lower, covering half my face.

Diana gets working on my hair when we hear the door bang open and Aemond's voice. "Where is she?" He asks angrily and I call for him. He appears in the doorway, and I can almost say that he looks...scared for me.

  "I'm fine. No nicks or cuts or bruises." I say, holding up my now fine hands from the water. I see him sort of relax a bit and I smile to myself, knowing he was somewhat actually worried about me. I sit up and Diana removes her hands from my hair and I excuse her to leave for a second. "You worried about me, huh?"

  "Sorry to say, but I'd rather not find the Queen of Westeros lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Not my style."

  "So you were worried." I say, grabbing the pitcher full of water used to wash my hair and I pour it over me. I know Aemond's looking away right now, not wanting to see anything I haven't given him permission to see. When I have fully rinsed my hair, I'm looking up at him and he's looking back at me. I know this is all acting, but he looks so genuinely worried I actually think he cares about me for a second. "I'm fine. The drunkard got the best of it."

He nods and walks away, letting Diana come back in.