Totally NOT In love. (Comedy gold/Tropheesy)

18-I'm pretty when I cry

(Mini chapter. Nickel angst woohoo!!!)

Started writing: March 19th, 2024.

Nickel's POV:

"UGGHHHHH!!!"

I kick the leg of my bed frame in frustration, though that only causes me more pain. I wince in pain pitifully, walking to lay back down on my bed, though the soothingness of the comfortable mattress does nothing to help my ongoing resentment for everything around me.

Why can't I just be normal? Why do I always have to be so god damn annoying??

I've seen people say Trophy's more pleasant to be around than me! Can you believe that? TROPHY!

Trophy... and Cheesy.

Ugh, what the hell is wrong with me...

NOTHING!! NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! There's something wrong with those stupid gaywads waltzing around the hotel, being all lovey-dovey with each other and shit! But...

Maybe sometimes I wish I had a relationship like them.

They're so... happy. Just so blissful. It's not the same as it was, when Trophy was a mean, rude, offensive freak. Why can't we go back? I don't want to be the person that people think is annoying and brash... that's supposed to be TROPHY.

Is this what he felt like? It gets lonely being so hated in the hotel. At this point, people like Balloon better than me.

Balloon... Oh my god, I need to stop thinking about him.

I keep distancing myself away from people I like, from people I care for, all because I'm just scared I'll ruin their image along with mine. They don't deserve that! I deserve it! For being uncaring, and not taking into account that other people's feelings actually matter compared to mine!

...I wish I was like Trophy.

He was such a jackass before, and now that he has some sort of bottom twink boy-toy, he's just so... nice all of a sudden?

God, I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I'm nothing like that queerio!

...

Am I?

No. I'm not... I'm not like them. I... I'll never be like them! Hah! What am I even thinking... I'm being crazy. It's not like my parents said all that stuff for nothing! Haha! ...ha.

Jesus christ I'm being pathetic. Why can't I be the only normal person in this godforsaken hotel? I have to be different! If Trophy isn't gonna be an asshole, I might as well fill that spot, right?

Why can't I just be...normal. Normal people don't sulk in their room and have an identity crisis. Normal people don't question their heterosexuality. Normal people don't make fun of other people for having better relationships than them. Normal people aren't afraid to cry.

...I'm not afraid to cry, right? I just don't cry, it's not my thing, it's weird. It makes me feel weird; like Inferior... but I'm not scared! I'm not scared of anything! Nope, there's absolutely nothing I'm afraid of! And I'm definitely not afraid of crying.

Heh, nope, definitely not.

...I pull the blanket over myself, feeling a shiver go down my spine, although I'm not cold.

I burrow myself in my blanket, gripping it tighter in my hands.

I wish I wasn't this pitiful. Every time I do anything, it's just embarrassing. I wish I didn't snoop in Test Tube's lab. I wish I didn't make fun of Cheesy. I wish I was a good person, but I'm not. I shouldn't even be upset about this, the others should be upset, not me. I don't have the right to be upset after all the pain I've caused others.

I'm not afraid of crying.

I'm not afraid of crying, but the feeling of my eyes watering and the knot in my throat still makes me panic.

I'm not afraid of crying, but the sobs coming out of my mouth still send a shiver down my spin every time I do so.

I'm not afraid of crying, but feeling the tears spilling out and soaking into the bedsheets just makes me cry harder.

I'm afraid of crying, and the way my hands visibly shake as they try to wipe the endless tears coming out of my eyes are taunting, because I know if someone ever found out I would be practically burned at the stake.

Stopped writing March 20th, 2024.

690 words (hehe funni number)