Until she wins

9-giving up

*EXTREME TW!!!*

Max came into the room alongside my headteacher. He looked at me with eyes filled with disappointment and anger. I looked down, fidgeting with my hands. I heard my headteacher mutter something to Max and he nodded.

"Come on we're leaving" said Max.

I got up walking out the door next to him. I continued to look down, determined not to make eye contact. When we got into the carpark there was an ambulance for Jessica and a police car. 

"Mr Verstappen could we speak with you for a moment?" one of the policeman asked. Max nodded before telling me to wait in the car.

I slammed the door as I got in, earning a scowl from Max. I stared at my brother and the policeman, fear flooding my body. I knew that I'd messed everything up. Why did I even have to hit her? The hearing was tomorrow! I took a deep breath pushing the tears back as I saw Max heading over to the car. He sat down and stared out the window for a second. 

"Why did you do it?" he said turning to face me. 

I didn't say anything, I just kept fidgeting with my hand.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!" he said more forcefully. 

When I continued to avoid his gaze, he grabbed my chin making me look him dead in the eyes. He did it gently, but still with enough force to move my head.

"Well?" Max continued.

"I-I'm sorry" my voice broke slightly from trying to hold back the tears. "I wasn't thinking, I k-know I shouldn't have let her g-get to me!" I couldn't breathe properly again and my emotions were starting to get the better of me.

"Breathe!" Max said placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry but I don't think sorry is going to cut it this time Abigail!"

My heart sank as I heard my full first name. He only ever called me this when he was really mad at me. I looked down again, wishing I could just die. 

"When we get home you're going straight to your room and you better hope for your sake that you haven't fucked everything up for the hearing tomorrow." Max said, turning the car on.

The whole journey home was silent and there was awful atmosphere. The only time we spoke to each other when we got home was when Max took my phone away from me. I walked up the stairs and into my room feeling like a zombie. I didn't feel alive, I didn't even want to be. I sat down on my bed feeling like the world was going to end. 

I got up walking over to my school bag, grabbing my pencil case from inside it. I pulled out the blade which had previously been attached to my sharpener. My hands were shaking as I dragged it across my skin. I bit down on my lip, distracting myself from the pain. No one wanted me here. No one at school wanted me. My dad didn't want me and now even Max didn't want me. I rolled up my sleeve exposing my wrist, considering what I was about to do.

I picked up the blade again, holding it in mid air for a second, thinking. If I did this then I wouldn't feel the pain and sadness anymore. No one could hurt me if I didn't exist. I knew what I wanted to do. 

I got up, grabbed a piece of paper and started scribbling a letter to Max. Tears were already falling from my eyes, splashing onto the page. I paused reading it back to myself. 

Max, 

I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I keep making everything worse and if I carry on then I'll just end up hurting more people. That's why it's time for me to go. I love you so much. The only times when I've ever been truly happy is when I'm with you and Kelly and P. Please tell them that I love them and how much they mean to me. Tell dad that I'm sorry and that despite everything I still love him too. Please don't be upset, it's better for everyone if I'm gone. No matter where I am I'll always love my big brother.

-Abi xx

Once I'd finished writing, I placed it down on the floor next to me. 

I picked up the blade again with trembling hands. I took a deep breath before sliding it across my wrist, cutting into my viens. 

I couldn't hear. My eyes were going foggy. I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't even aware that I fell to the floor. 

—

There was a loud bang from upstairs and Max immediately got up running to his sisters room. He pushed the door open and gasped. His baby sister was lying on the floor, blood staining the carpet. There was a blade next to her hand and a note next to it. 

"ABI!" Max yelled crouching next to her. "ABI WAKE UP! PLEASE WAKE UP!" Tears were now pouring down his face. 

He got up and sprinted to get his phone. Immediately he dialled the emergency phone number for the ambulance.

"PLEASE YOU NEED TO HELP ME! ITS MY SISTER! SHES TRIED TO- TO... SHES CUT HER WRISTS!" He wept down the phone. 

Within minutes the ambulance came. The door was open for them and they came running into Abi's room. Max was crying on the floor holding his sister in his arms.

"PLEASE CAN YOU MAKE HER BREATHE?!" He shouted.

The medics took Abi away immediately into the ambulance. Max sat in the ambulance watching in terror as they desperately tried to keep his sister alive. The sounds of sirens and Max's sobs filled the air as they approached the hospital.