The Distance Between Us

Nine.

It was officially Friday, which meant that it would be my first time performing again since the previous semester. I was all jittery, a mix of nervousness that I always got, but a bit extra this time since I hadn't performed in what felt like a long time. We were already at the same bar that we always performed at, an uneasiness setting at the pit of my stomach as I remembered the last few moments I had before Joel did what he did.

My heart rate began to pick up its pace just by the mere thought of Joel, so I quickly took out a cigarette and began to light it. I nervously took a long drag to calm me down, the burning sensation running through me and momentarily alleviating me from all of my thoughts. Cillian knew that I was extremely nervous, but he knew that if I did want to talk about it, I would speak up.

The part that I hated the most after everything that has happened is the sympathetic look on everyone's face that I received anytime they looked at me. At first I didn't pay much attention to it, but after receiving that look from practically everyone from campus including the professors, I began to feel annoyed as each day went by. I sat my friends and Cillian down one day and I explained to them that if I wanted to talk about it, I would tell them since they are my trusted circle since they are like my family. But, if I did not want to talk about what I was feeling at that moment, I asked for no sympathetic puppy eyes towards me because that would be the last thing I would need. Luckily, they were all understanding and promised that they would not press matters further unless I was comfortable talking about it with them.

"I'm nervous. Maybe it was a bad idea coming back."

Cillian took a seat next to me, since the bar always had crates in the back that I liked to use to sit on before performing. I took another drag and handed my cigarette to Cillian, to which he accepted and took a puff as well.

"Do you want to leave? Or are you okay enough to stay to perform?" I nervously bit down on my bottom lip as I tried to search for an answer. Deep down, I wanted to get over it and just be able to perform just like old times, but the other part of me couldn't forget that night and the events that followed. I closed my eyes to calm myself down and think about what I really wanted.

"I can do this. I also should start going in since we're about to perform." Cillian ran his fingers through my hair and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. I leaned into his touch and rested my head on his shoulder.

"That's my girl, now go on before Elle yells at you for being late." A small smirk appeared on Cillian's face, and I let out a laugh as I agreed and made my way inside as Cillian walked to have a seat in the front.

The set had been going very well, it had felt like I had never left. I did find it difficult to look at the audience, so I mostly kept my head down looking towards my guitar for the most part. We had one song left to perform before ending our set for the night, when I felt someone staring at me, which was normal since there were so many people there. I tried to shake the feeling off as I continued to play, but I still felt the uncomfortable feeling so I decided to look up to see what my body was trying to tell me, but I wish I never did. When I looked up, I saw a face that I never wanted to see ever again in my life.

Joel's eyes were dark and were creepily staring right into my own, causing a chill to run down my spine and I immediately got a cold shiver. I looked back down and took a deep breath. This isn't real, Lily. Get a grip. I agreed that I was just seeing things and I looked back up, only to see Joel again, this time seated closer than where he was when I first saw him. My heart started to accelerate as I searched for Cillian to see if he would notice that Joel was here. However, once I did find Cillian and tried to show a face of worry and nod my head to where Joel was, Cillian didn't notice and just gave me a nod of encouragement to finish off the set.

I mentally groaned and became increasingly scared as Joel was still there, and everyone was too into watching the performance to even bother to see that this disgusting male was standing here like nothing even happened. We played the last note of the song, and everyone began clapping and cheering us on, giving Joel the opportunity to walk towards the stage.

Out of fright I quickly took the guitar strap off of me and ran towards the back exit. I took a big inhale of the fresh air from outside, as I was desperately running out of air inside. I began to see black dots fill my vision as I felt throbbing around my head from the intense beating of my heart. The pounding was so intense that my knees felt weak and I fell to the ground, my hand flying up to my chest to try to bring more air into my lungs somehow.

I tried to do the deep breathing exercises that my therapist had taught me, but it wasn't working and I was too impatient and incoherent to muster up any of the other exercises we had gone through numerous times to try to calm myself down when having a panic attack. I heard the door behind me open, so I quickly whipped my head around to look at who it was, desperately praying to myself that it was one of my friends or Cillian.

My vision was still filled with black dots and I was able to make out Joel's face, causing another cold shiver to run through me as my eyes widened, causing Joel to smirk out of amusement of how he was making me feel.

"Let's continue where we left off, shall we Lily?" Joel began to walk closer to me, leaving me backed up against the wall. I knew that this would be the end, it felt pointless trying to call for help. I knew I had cheated out of death one too many times, and this was my final punishment; this was the end.

I squeezed my eyes shut, desperately screaming for mercy, wrapping my arms around my knees as I began to cry. I felt his hands on my shoulders, and I began to cry more, not wanting to open my eyes and look at him. He began to shake me from where he was holding me, but I kept my eyes closed.

"Look at me! Lily look at me! Are you okay?" The sound of Joel's voice quickly changed into another familiar one, causing me to stop screaming, but I kept my eyes shut. My eyes had been squeezed shut for so long that when I did decide to open my eyes and look in front of me, I noticed Joel still in front of me shaking me by my shoulders, but every time I was shaken, Joel's face would distort and turn into Evan's face, then back to Joel's, and vice versa.

Confusing my imagination with reality, I put both of my hands on top of their shoulders to see who I was actually looking at.

"Please stop shaking me." And with that, they had stopped as I had asked, but their hands remained on my shoulders, looking at my blank facial expression. Slowly, my vision began to clear up, and it was Evan the whole time. Did I really just imagine all of that?

"What happened?" Evan waited patiently for me to respond, as I noticed Elle, Vic, and Cillian had been standing there the entire time as well. A mixture of confusion and embarrassment washed over me, causing any responses that I was formulating in my mind to disappear.

After having them wait for an answer for what felt like an eternity, I blurted out whatever words were left in my mind, regardless of how stupid I sounded.

"I saw Joel when we were performing and he followed me out here to I think kill me."

Evan gave me a sympathetic look, and fully wrapped his arms around me and embraced me. It was at that moment that I realized that it had indeed been my own mind playing games with me. I closed my eyes to hide myself from looking at everyone else due to the embarrassment I felt.

"Lily, it's okay, he's not going to chase you anymore. He's already in jail for many years, but you knew that already. Everything is going to be alright, we're all here for you." Evan's soft whisper slowly made my heart rate return to normal, and a single tear rolled down my cheek as I returned to my senses. I looked up at everyone still standing there, and they were all waiting to see what my next move would be.

"I'm sorry for scaring you all," was the only thing I could say without bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Everyone knew that I did not want to hear any other words of consolation, so they all just walked towards Evan and I and we all had a group hug. I felt warmth in my heart knowing that even though I had just gone through an episode of mine and all of my friends just saw me at my lowest, they all stuck with me regardless of the situation without making fun of me.

Even though my heart was full of love for everyone in my life, my mind was still someplace else, not caring that I had wonderful people with me. Instead, my mind drifted off to think of how they only pity me and this will all soon vanish and I would be left alone to drown in my own thoughts.

What was wrong with me?