The Distance Between Us

Thirteen.

We played out the last few notes and then everyone began to clap for us as we exited off of the mini stage. Now that we have all graduated, we have a lot more time to meet up with the band and rehearse. I took my exam and quickly found a nursing position in the city soon after, and Cillian was beginning to appear more in films and attending many theater groups, so there were moments that made it difficult to hang out.

However, it didn't affect us too much since we had found a small apartment for the two of us to move into after graduating, since both Cillian and I believed that staying in New York would be the best option for the both of us relationship and career wise. That still doesn't mean that everything was perfect; there were moments that we would begin to have our little arguments, but we would then be okay.

Majority of our arguments had to do with the fact that we would not be able to see each other as often as we used to, but Cillian would always remind me that we are living together, so there is no reason to be arguing that we don't see each other as much because we get to see each other at the end of the night.

I tried not to let it bother me, but for some reason it was beginning to bother me more as the days went by, especially because there began to be nights when he would get home so late I would already be asleep. By the time I would have to be up for work in the mornings, he would still be asleep so I would leave the house without waking him up.

Now, that was just the days that I did have to work my shifts, if I was off I would wait for him and we would have our pillow talk before going to bed together. So in reality, we had our little bumps along the way but we would be alright after that.

I searched for Cillian's face in the crowd, but he was nowhere to be seen. I sighed in frustration as I slouched into one of the chairs as the rest of my friends sat around me.

"It's okay Lily, it's just a small show, you know he would be here if he wasn't busy working." Everyone gave me a look of sympathy as I grew more frustrated. I hated being the center of attention, specifically for this situation.

This wasn't the first time he missed a show of ours, and I know I shouldn't be overreacting because he can always come to another show, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way. As much as I tried to act like everything was okay and I would brush it off whenever someone would try to talk to me about it, everything in me was going to boil over at some point.

It had become so difficult to try to talk to Cillian about it due to the fact that I did not want to start another argument. I had worked so much during my therapy sessions to learn to communicate with my partner and share what I am truly feeling, but how can I continue to do that when he's barely there for me anymore? I always make time to go see his shows and spend majority of the time I am free to hang out with him or give him small gifts, but it feels as though his side of the relationship is coming to a halt.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe I'm just sweeping all of my emotions under a rug. What I do know is that the day I can no longer take it anymore, I'm scared of what's to come. Cillian has had such an influence on my healing journey and has made me so much happier than I could have ever imagined, I cannot think of the dreadful thought of him leaving me. I won't let it happen. And if it meant that I would have to hide that anger within me, I would do it for him.

"Another round of beers, anyone? It's on me." Everyone nodded as thankfully Evan switched the topic from me since he could tell that I was uncomfortable.

Everyone else seemed to pick up on what happened, so we began to speak on other topics instead of touching the subject again. The topic was not brought up for the rest of the night as we continued to drink our beers and talk about our jobs.