Trust fall (trust#1)

Fourteen

Location- Carson city Nevada, inside the institution

ashton
My mother used to tell me that I looked just like her brothers did at my age. I wonder if that's still true. If they'd looked like me now? A scragilly boy struggling to stand some days? I genuinely wondered if they looked like I did now, With my face nestled into Elena's neck and my arm around her waist. Had they done this? I'd never met my moms brothers but I'd heard lots about them. They had all been tall and lean, just as i was. They had jet black curly hair and green eyes. Their skin had been light copper colored, and they had been about my height.had they ever touched like this? Had one of them been engulfed in their own thoughts, while the other was restless? I avoided thinking of my parents or my younger sister because it made me upset, i had gone numb after a while. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy. I do want out though. I want to see the world and the treasures that remain untold. I want to watch the sunset and I want to see the ocean rise. I feel like that's impossible sometimes. I can't see the world through my own eyes.

Walking the same paths
Looking at the same past
Seeing the same things.
When did they get there?
This isn't a wrath,
It isn't something strange.
Just to be clear,
I'm only stuck in here.
It's been almost a year,
I don't even know now.
Excerpt from ashtons journal.

I am engulfed in my thoughts. I'm starting to hear screams. My fingertips are numb. How many days has it been now? How many nights have i been here? How many times has it been made clear that i am not crazy? do the scars lining my back not prove that? Does it make no sense that I haven't hurt this girl! How? How could you do this to a person? Im sorry im sorry im so so so sorry.im sorry for the wrongs i did. Im sorry for playing a simple game and understanding the riddles. Im sorry im so so so sorry. Ive let go of Elaina now and im facing the wall. I can feel myself shaking. The cold breaking my brittle bones, my thoughts drowning me like the reckless sea. I imagine them as thoughtless harsh relentless waves, barreling over me with such force it couldn't be described. My breaths become staggered and my chest feels tight. My lungs feel like they're exploding. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish the words I was whispering to myself weren't able to be heard. I wish i- i wish- i wish.
"Ashton." Elaina says, putting a hand on my shoulder. It shocks me to be reminded that she's here. I wish I could brush her hands away from me. I wish I could breathe.
"Ashton.breathe." Elaina says. Her words sound like mumbles. Her breaths on the back of my neck feel like fingers ripping my flesh away.
"Jesus Christ Ashton, breathe." she says a bit louder, with both of her hands on my shoulders she forces me to sit still and  look at her.
"ASHTON. Breathe." and suddenly I'm shocked back into reality. I'm allowing my breaths to slow and my thoughts to clear. Her words dont blur together and her breath dosent feel like fingernails ripping my flesh off. I realizethat I had been half awake. She probably thinks I'm a psychopath.
"I'm not crazy. I promise.'' I say in a rush.she is silent as she loosens her grip on my shoulders.
"I know you're not" she sighs before laying back down.
I wish I could go back to sleep. My mind is still moving so fast.
"I want out." i say. Elaina looks at me like ive seriously lost my mind.
"I thought you aid we couldnt get out" she says.
"Youre right but that dosent stop me from dreaming." i say back, laughing a little to myself.
"So why dont we?" she asks.
" w-what get out?" i said laughing.
"Yeah why not? I mean guards will come over here any minute. I did yell at you, you know." elaina asks me. For a moment i am shocked, shes right we could get out. All we have to do is push past the guards.