If we had known. (If he had been with me alt ending)

Not now, not ever. (3)

*DISCLAIMER: Self harm and S*icide attempt.*

Autumns pov:

That's the moment that I decide. In two weeks, I will kill myself.
I know, I know. 'Isn't that a little dramatic?' Not to me, I can't live without him. Not now not ever.
But that is also why I have decided on that exact time. 2 weeks. I will give Finny two weeks, two weeks to remember me, to wake up, to love me again. Two weeks.

Even if I wanted to live, I'm not sure I can, not without Finny.
Even when we weren't close, he was alive, he was there. He was with me, even if the circumstances were odd.

-3 days later-

He isn't awake. The more time passes, the more I have the urge to end it all, to be with Finny. But I still have 11 more days. 11 days, hoping, praying, that he will wake up.
But every passing moment, it becomes less and less likely.

Finny wouldn't want me to think like this. He wouldn't want me to be depressed because of him. He would want me to live my life, to experience it.
But as much as I want to, I can't do it without him. I can't live without him.
Not now, not ever.

-4 days later-

He isn't awake, he is barely breathing.
The doctors say that if he doesn't wake up in a month time, they will pronounce him brain dead.
Even if he manages to wake up a month from now, I won't be with him. If he doesn't wake up in a week, it'll be over.

Until then, I will hold his hand, I will read to him, I will talk to him, I will love him. I will never stop loving Finny. Not now, not ever.
Only time will tell of what will happen to Finny and autumn, what will happen to him and me.

-2 days later-

I have grown tired. Tired of waiting, tired of waiting, tired of loving someone who will never love me back. Ever.

He's been in a comma for a month now. If in 5 days he is still gone, so will I.
Finny wouldn't want this. Finny wouldn't want me to cry. Finny wouldn't want me to die.
But Finny wouldn't want to die either.
Yet that might very well happen.
I can't live without him.

I've been vomiting, crying, mourning. - not just his life, but mine. - Please Finny, let please wake up. I'm please be with me.

I've been getting a lot more sick. But it doesn't matter anymore, because I'm give days time, I'll be gone. No more pain, no more suffering.

Please Finny, Please wakes up.
Because even when I'm gone, I will never stop loving you.
Not now, not ever.

-4 days later-

1 day. I only have to suffer one more day. One more night. 24 hours, That's it.
I can do this. Well, for at least one more day.
Because in the long run, I need him.
I need Finny. I need him to love me,
I need him to hold me, I need him to be with me, I need him to need me.

My mom still hasn't talked to me. Not over text, call, not even in person.
Nor have I seen her.
I lost the most important people in my life, all at once.
Finny, aunt Angelina, mom.
Finny is unconscious, my mom is ignoring me, and my aunt is MIA.

It's not like my dad will show up. He never did before the divorce, even less now. I haven't seen anyone but Finnys lifeless body.
I sit with him every day. Every moment to me should be spent with him. With the man I love.
Even if he can't love me anymore, I'll never stop loving him.
Not now, not ever.

-16 hours later-

It's time. More specifically, my time.
I have to leave, I have to go.
Finny is gone, my mom is gone, my aunt is gone. They are all gone.
I am all alone.

The one thing I am thankful for when it comes to my mom not being around, is that I can do anything I want, use anything I want.
Even the knives.

Finny is still asleep. With me.
I kiss his cheek and hold his cold hand.
I say "I love you" to him at least 27 times. I need him to know it, to know it before I'm gone.
Even though we're not supposed to, I kiss him. One last kiss to remember before I die.

I have tears on my eyes, remembering all of my life Finny has always been there for me. Even when he didn't have to.
Even when I didn't deserve it.
He was still Finny.

I start to walk to the bus, praying that when I get home, my mom won't magically appear and stop me from ending it. Hoping it will be painless.
When I finally get home, I run to my room.
I run straight to my room and where the outfit I was wearing when I last hugged Finny. The outfit I last kiss him in.

I go downstairs. Even if I die, I don't want my mom to find my lifeless body.
I will call the police right before it happens.
To make sure that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.

I grab the knife. And I shakily grab my phone and call 911.
"911 what is your emergency?"
"I'm about to kill myself. Can I say a message to someone?"
"Ma'am this is being recorded, but please do not harm yourself."

"Finny..." I say "I've know you my whole life, and I will love you till the end of it. Remember me as the girl who was so madly in love with you, she couldn't live without you." I pause with tears in my eyes
"Finny. I love you. And I will never stop,
Not now, not ever."

Then I do it, I end it...