The Cooling of The Fire and The Melting of The Ice

5. Reconciliation

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Augustine found himself quieting down at Winnie's tone, he's never really been yelled at by him. It's always been a more amused joking tone, like if Augustine had said something really out of nowhere and Winnie were to jokingly reprimand him for it... like if he said something a little mean about the people Winnie hung around. Or if Augustine had made an awful joke and Winnie had to just complain about it. As much as Augustine wanted to stay upset, to stay strong and fight back- he was beginning to slowly realize that.... This wasn't a fight he needed to partake in.

This wasn't a fight that involved Winnie, it never was supposed to involve him.

Augustine blinked slowly, noticing that his tears were falling steadily now. "...." It felt so wrong to be so mad at Winnie, he couldn't do that. He ... he felt wrong.
"... Winnie," he began, the words dying in his throat as quickly as they began.

"I.." he didn't even know where to start, "you..." he sniffed, feeling the cold sharp air burn his nose at the inhale. "You... you're serious?" Hearing someone say that... that they would give anything just to be by his side. Fuck... Augustine was such an emotional stupid baby.

"You-" it still hurt. Augustine was never ever good with words, much less words with genuine emotion behind them. He was always so.... hesitant to be vulnerable, even with Winnie. He was never sure why, really. Augustine had just always assumed the role of the loud kid who would protect his friends, and he always prided himself with that, being loyal, loud, protective, a strong person to have his friends lean on him. The idea of being the one to lean on others... it almost made Augustine uncomfortable.

He felt his grip on Winnie weaken, and quickly realized that this isn't what he wanted. This never was what he truly wanted. Blinded by too much rage, and regretting it all now, he took a few steps back, getting Winnie back on solid ground with a steady stance.

Augustine swallowed away, his hands hovering a bit as they returned to his side.. "Winnie..." he began. "I-" god it was so frustrating, he could barely even get words out. "No I'm- i'm sorry-" he tried speaking yet again, but his voice was so shaky. "I was just- I was.." jealous? Angry? Afraid? He was so many things, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. He couldn't drag the words out of his mouth.

The tears on his face were beginning to make his skin feel frozen. God, disgusting, crying like this- it was disgusting. "I.. envy you." he said in a mumble, reaching a hand up to wipe his eyes, avoiding eye contact with Winnie. He couldn't bear to see Winnie look at him, he didn't want to know what his expression was like.. was it anger? disgust? pity? Would he really turn against him now?

"I envy you for succeeding, and I'm scared- I'm terrified what'll happen to me in the future because of it." The words were coming out faster than Augustine could process and filter them. "I'm sorry- I know I'm supposed to be happy for you and I know I'm supposed to celebrate all of your success by your side-"

"But I'm so- I know I'm being selfish and pathetic. This never was your fault it-" Augustine's breath caught in his throat in an embarrassing hiccup. "It's my fault and I- whenever I see you .. I can't help but think you stole everything from me- everything I did, you followed and mastered it and- and-" God could he get a fucking grip and just talk like a normal person!?
He was crying now- sobbing even, "You mastered it, and it made you loved and recognized and it- everyone adored you for it!" He felt so foolish for being angry, he knew it wasn't Winnie's fault people liked him more. Why did Augustine have to be so- so self-loathing? Why can't he just be happy for his own friend- his best friend? He forced out a fake weak laugh, "God.. I'm just- I didn't want to be left behind by you." He acted like it was amusing, it wasn't. He just wanted to stay by Winnie, he didn't want to lose him. And if he did.... Augustine doesn't even want to think about that.