Right love, wrong time

Chapter 2: The hospital

Lisa

My heart was screaming for someone to save me, for him to save me. I needed him the most and he was not there. My only solution was to save him the burden of me, so I did what I thought would save me from the never-ending pain inside my heart. I took some pills and waited on death to find me. Death to take away the hurt. Death to save me. One does not plan to commit suicide. Mine was a cry for help, a cry to be saved, to be loved, to be chosen. Instead, I found myself lying broken on the floor, with only my tears, alone.

My father found me curled up on my bedroom floor. I had no more tears to cry, but the pain in my heart just didn't want to go away. My father thought it was the stress of work that got the better of me. Until he saw the pills on my nightstand. He knew something was wrong. I could not talk; I didn't want to talk. I could not tell him the reason as the mere thought of him, broke me again. My heart was screaming but my body was numb.

As usual I am sitting at my bedroom window looking out on the beautiful nature around me. Today is truly a beautiful day. Its hot with a small breeze breaking the heat. In the distance you can hear the birds sing. A couple of feet from me is a fountain slowly running. Nature is truly beautiful. The silence bringing peace to my soul, even if its just for a while. The tree leaves blowing in the wind singing their own song. But its the silence that gets me. The silence surrounding me. I thought by now I would forget but he is still haunting me. I see him all around. When I sleep, I dream about him. When I wake up, I search for him, only not to find him. In the silence I miss his voice. How can someone have so much control over a person. This is the times I hated the most. The silence dragging my mind to him. This is the times my heart just keeps breaking again. How did I get here. Where did I go wrong. I know, it's him. The root of all my pain. Its almost been twenty-one days. Each day the same. But for some reason today its worse.

It's almost time for breakfast, so I better get ready. One would think that in hospitals you can walk around in your PJ's, but not here, here you must get dressed every morning and get ready as you normally would have at home. I don't have the energy for this today. I just want to crawl back into bed and never get up. But they see this as part of the healing, part of getting better. How do you heal your heart? It's my heart that is ill. How do you heal you soul, cause it's my soul that is broken.

The thought of him ruined my mood for the day. Moving away from the window I start getting dressed. Nothing fancy, just sweatpants and a top. I mean I'm not here for a beauty contest. I'm here trying to heal from what others broke, and by others, I mean him.

It's almost time to go back to the real world again, I am not sure if I am ready. Ready for people, ready for work, but just the mere thought of the outside world, causes me to panic. I know I should go back to living my life, I just don't know if I am ready. I know I can't avoid living forever, but will I be able to continue life without him. And I know I sound pathetic right now, but I can't help it. The outside world scares me. Starting anew scares me. Loving again terrifies me. The possibility of getting hurt again, no I can't even think about it. Will I be able to give my heart to someone again?

I owe it to myself to at least try, to start living again, start enjoying my life.