Right love, wrong time

Chapter 18: Mixed Emotions

Lisa

Friday was quiet. I did not see Mr Kingston at all. He was out on meetings the whole day. Saturday, I took some time to rest. Some me time. I surely needed it. Something inside me changed that day. Everything felt different. I felt different. It's as if he was part of me, in me and around me. As if he was there without being there. I could still feel his hands on me. I could still feel every sensation my body felt. My skin still burns where his body touched mine. Where his hands roamed all over my body. As if the fire between us still lingers on my skin. His lips touching my skin, while our bodies move to each other's pleasure. I couldn't explain what I was feeling or how I was feeling. I only knew that I was still feeling him, feeling us. Not just on my body but part of me. Our souls connected in a different way. It wasn't just lust anymore or chemistry or attraction, something changed. Something between us changed, in me changed. I knew at that moment that I love this man. But does he love me? Maybe to him this is still just lust or getting his release I wouldn't know. What would I do if it is? Will I walk away? Will I be able to walk away is the real question. Fuck this is making me crazy. I need to get my mind off him. I can't let this man consume me so much. But this happens every time. One of the negative symptoms of being borderline. No one understands how hard it is when you love someone, they become your whole life. Your thoughts, your dreams, your life becomes consumed by them. Your mood depends on them. Your happiness depends on them. Everything about you is dependent on them. Why am I like this? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I need their attention, their approval, their acceptance and their constant reassurance. I hate feeling like this.

The whole weekend went by without me hearing or seeing Mr Kingston. I could feel the sadness growing. The fear of abandonment taking over my thoughts. I missed him. I knew this would happen; this is what bipolar, and borderline does. And before I knew it, I was depressed on the couch unable to move, bawling my eyes out about someone who doesn't feel anything for me. Who doesn't even know how I am feeling or how much I needed them. Why? Why Lord? Why am I like this? The constant battle between my brain, my feelings, myself and God. I didn't ask to be this way, so why me? Why does it always happen to me? With those thoughts I dosed off to sleep only to be awaken Monday morning by my alarm. I slept for twelve hours straight.

It's Monday. Fuck, I need to pull myself together. I can't let him see the effect he has on me. Fuck Lisa, he is just a man. With that I dragged myself out of bed. I need to get ready, and I must contain myself. I can't show weakness or desperation, that would surely scare him off. The whole drive to the office was a blur. My heart not wanting to listen to reason, wallowing in self-pity. I feel like death itself. I feel like running and hiding. Sleeping and never waking up. Fuck I hate this.

The whole morning was quiet. I wasn't feeling myself and couldn't face him. Just seeing him is hurting me. His barely speaking to me today. Not making it any better. Fuck I can't do this. With that I made my way to the bathroom. I need to gather my thoughts and take control of my emotions. I can't feel like this the whole day. I can't focus on my work, and I am not getting anything done. All I want to do is sleep and sleep some more.

Maybe he is just busy. He seems busy. Or as my mind would say it, he is avoiding me. He got what he wanted and now he wants nothing to do with me. Again, I was only good just for one thing. Self-doubt taking over my thoughts. Did I do something wrong? Is he regretting what happened? I can't do this.

Making my way back to my desk, he walked past me. I could feel his eyes on me. I wanted to look away, but I just couldn't. Why is he avoiding me. Fuck! I hissed underneath my breath. Our hands touched slightly here and there during the morning, sending shock waves through my body. Does he feel it to? Why is he avoiding me then? My insecurities setting in again. The self-doubt eating away at me. I can feel myself slipping. The low closer than I want it to be. I just want to go home and sleep. Why is it always me?