Suicidal Tendencies-Jalex

1.

*This is mainly going to be in Alex's point of view unless stated other wise*

Look at that bridge. You should go sit on it. Let your feet dangle off the edge. Feel that rush you'll get because you know at any given time you could fall right into the rushing waves underneath. That some cyclist could go rushing by and knock you over and no one would even notice. You should just do it for them. Save them the time of planning it out. You're just average after all. Everyone knows you're replaceable. shut up shut up shut up. I screamed at my head. I don't want to think about that right now. I want to be able to go to school without feeling that pull towards that bridge. Without wanting to do any harm to myself. I want to be able to go to school without that voice whispering to me all day. Why won't it leave me alone? Why does it push me to the point where I'm so paralyzed by fear that I'm afraid to open my mouth because I might be sick. Or because I'll stutter and stammer and make a fool of myself? Why does it push me to the point where I can't eat for days because it taunts me and makes my brain think it's unwanted. Even when my stomach is eating itself and in pain my brain still thinks I'll be fine. it doesn't make sense! I scolded myself. I pinched my arm leaving a little bruise that only I knew was there. It helped relieve some of the stress when I did that. I'm not too sure why but I think it had to do with the fact that my brain was focused on something other than the thoughts floating around. Look at you, bruising yourself. You're sick and you know it. All you've ever done is take from your parents. Your family doesn't care about you, they just don't want to be seen as the family that let their son die. They hate you. i know. i know they do. i don't need a reminder. I could see my school coming up now and I was relieved. My friends would distract me from the thoughts and from that bridge. I never really told anyone I wanted to jump off a bridge. It's normal is it not? Doesn't everyone want to die sometimes? I'm sure they do, why would someone want to be stuck in this life? I saw Carson, my best friend and ran up to him. My parents don't like Carson, they say he's no good for me but I don't see why. Well, that's a lie, I can see why I just choose not to. Carson does weed and likes to drink a lot but he's one of the smartest people at our school. Before I met him I was kind of a loner but he thought I was funny so he kept me around. I looked up to him in a way. He was able to balance a social life and having the highest marks in our grade. He didn't even study! He just knew everything. After a year of knowing him he convinced me to smoke with him and my parents hate that I come home high sometimes. They wished I'd never met Carson but it's not like it's his fault I'm all screwed up. I get panic attacks because I think too much and I'm sad because of the chemical imbalance. Basically I just over think everything to the point that I can't get out of bed for fear I'll be sick or I'll pass out. My moms understanding. She helps me eat as much as I can and if I'm in a rut she calls the school to tell them I'm sick. It's happened so much the past year I think they know something's up and that I don't just have a severely bad immune system. My friends don't notice a thing. Sometimes I think they're not really my friends and they just put up with me but then I feel that downward spiral where if I continue to think like that I'll end up in the restroom for the first periods trying not to puke up my breakfast. You're so weak, can't even think about your friends without throwing up. Pathetic. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i wish i was strong but i'm not. i know i'm pathetic. I gave myself another bruise, then the bell rang.

I made my way through first period and eventually the rest of my classes. Before I knew it school was over, I hadn't eaten lunch and I was as suicidal as ever. I can't really give you a reason why, school had just put me in a bad mood. The teachers made me feel stupid, my friends were teasing me for being quiet and I had skipped science class because of a panic attack. On my way home I saw that dreaded bridge again. Well, it wasn't dreaded I just wish I could walk by it without the extra despair hanging over me. I was so lost in thought I didn't realize my feet had brought me over to the edge of the bridge. It was actually pretty in this area. The bridge brought you into the woods, and below it was a rushing river. The water wasn't shallow as you would think. No, the water was a deep as my thoughts and with the strong currents it had, no one could survive in it. It seemed like the best place to end my life. No one would really suspect that I would jump off of this bridge. People  usually jumped off the big metal bridge that led out of town, not a small stone bridge where you might not even be able to see my body lying at the bottom, washed several yards away from the bridge because the mighty currents pulled my body down stream like a dead log. Jump, no one would notice you said it yourself. Who would miss you? Your mom? Maybe. But all those people you consider friends won't. They'll carry on, they don't need you. Are they even your friends? Have they ever treated you like one? No, they get you high then expect you to get home by yourself. They tease you days on end and they never praise you or even consider you a person. You're their own doll. Something they can play with until they get bored. I didn't cry, I just simply put one foot over the edge. And almost went over. Before I realized what I was just about to do. Then I fell back, I scrambled away from the edge and I ran away.

-

When I finally slowed down, I was just coming into town and when I looked up I saw a mental health care clinic. Without thinking I walked into it, searching for something to put my mind back to what it had been before 2 years ago had started.

*a/n: hey guys! so yeah I decided to start a jalex since my kellic is finished. Hope you guys enjoy (:

-Hannah*