Suicidal Tendencies-Jalex

4.

My mom came not long after lunch. I was in the arts room with Jack getting to know him better when they told me she was here. Great, I knew she would have to know but I kind of liked not having to think about her for a few hours. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom it's just. Ever since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety she's become very over protective. She's tried banning me from seeing my friends before. I know she's just worried about me but I can take care of myself and as long as I'm taking my pills I'm alright right? I mean it's normal to have thoughts about death is it not? It's not like someone can go through life having not thought about death at least once right? I don't know all I know is that my mom treats me like a porcelain doll and I'm sick of it. If I can get into fights at school and get nothing a few bruises every now and again then I think I can handle being alive by myself. But maybe you can't. Maybe you'd already be at the bottom of that creek if your mom didn't take care of you. Like the baby you are. im not a baby. i take care if myself fine. Sure that's what you think. Trust me you'd be dead by now if it wasn't for her. "Alex? Alex honey are you alright?" I saw a hand wave in front of my face and flinched a little. Huh, I must have walked down the hall and not even realize it. "Yeah, I'm fine sorry. So did the doctors tell you anything?" I sighed looking down. I didn't really want to be here anymore but I knew I had to stay. I was under high security at the moment. There was honestly a nurse or a care taker watching me at all times but they pretended to be busy. I knew they weren't though, they were just following me. "You have to be here at least 5 days and they asked me multiple times if you had stopped your medication. Did you stop taking your pills?" "No mom, I did not stop taking my pills." I sighed again, I could never get away with that again. I almost got grounded for life when I stopped taking them a few months ago, now my mom watches me every time I take my meds. "Well, they'll probably just give you a new prescription while you're here and we'll have to use that from now on. Is there anything you need me to bring by later? I don't mind." I shook my head no and she nodded. Then she proceeded to hug me for almost 10 minutes, kiss me on the forehead then finally go.

I walked back to Jack, who was still in the arts room. He was amazing at drawing! I don't think I'd ever seen someone with as much talent as him before. Especially someone with a...disability? Is that what it would be considered? I think so. I sat back where I was before and he smiled and waved at me, then continued with his work. I got a coloring sheet, yes I was coloring like a 5 year old again except I could color within the lines, then I decided to ask Jack a few questions. I was still trying to get to know him after all. "So Jack, how old are you?" that's a safe question to ask right? its not like he's an older woman who gets offended when you ask that. Of course that's a safe question. Why are you so nervous anyways?  I rolled my eyes at myself and waited for Jack's answer. "I'm 16, how bout you?" he answered politely, I was starting to realize he was a very polite person. I might have to change that a bit. "I'm 17, my birthday was in December." he mumbled under his breath and nodded. Most people would have gotten annoyed with Jack's constant mumbling but I knew he couldn't control it and honestly, it's kind of cute. I was starting to wonder why he was here. Obviously he was able to control the tourettes as much as he could and yeah the pinching wasn't a great thing but it's not like he's hurting other people or severely hurting himself. "Can I ask you a personal question?" I wasn't sure if it was polite to ask but I was just to curious. He nodded so I decided to gain my courage to ask. "Why are you here? I mean you obviously have the tourettes pretty handled and you aren't severely harming yourself when you pinch yourself so?" I trailed off not really knowing how to finish my sentence. "Um, well, the pinching part isn't really connected to tourettes, originally at least. I do it as a punishment, I guess you could say. And I got carried away with the punishment I was giving myself, cause it wasn't just pinching anymore. It got to the point that I had to be brought here." I could tell it was hard for him to talk about it and I had an idea of what he was doing to himself but I wanted to be sure. "Could you maybe tell me, um, what you mean by carried away? I don't mean to push and you don't have to answer." he nodded then set his pencil down. He raised both his sleeves up and what I thought were just bruises were also burn marks. I could tell my eyes widened and when I looked at his face there was fear in his eyes. He pulled his sleeves back down and picked his pencil up again. "Why are you here?" he basically whispered. Cause you're a selfish person who for no reason at all destroys himself. shut up! i dont do it on purpose. i cant control it. I closed my eyes and shook my head a bit then looked at Jack. "I almost, uh, jumped off a bridge." I said then looked back down to my coloring. "Why didn't you? And I don't mean that in a rude way, like I wanted you to jump or anything. But what stopped you?" he asked, I noticed he had put his pencil down again. "Well, I had one foot off the bridge and then all of a sudden I snapped out of whatever daze it was and I fell backwards. I ran all the way back into town and I saw this place and, I mean, I knew they could help me here, but now I'm not too sure I really need to be here cause it was probably just the fact that my medication needed to be switched." I ranted a bit. Why was I saying this all to Jack? I barely knew the kid and it's not like he really cared anyways. It's not like he really cares, exactly. No one cares, they just put up with you. No one loves you. You should have jumped. i know! i know i should have but i didn't. my parents already lost one son, they shouldn't have to loose another. Tom. I missed him so much. "They can help you here, even if you don't feel like you belong. You'll probably be out soon anyways." I heard Jack say all of a sudden. I nodded, unable to get rid of the lump in my throat from thinking about Tom. It's been 4 years and it still feels like it happened just yesterday. Jack put his pencil down again but this time for good. I looked over at what he had drawn and I couldn't help but blush. He had drawn me, with this huge smile on my face from when we were arguing over music. He had captured the moment perfectly and he made me look good. I refused to believe that I actually ever looked like that because I knew I wasn't that good looking. I wasn't beautiful the way Jack was.

a/n: IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO UPDATE. Ive just been really busy but I gave you guys a bit of a longer update so hopefully that makes up for it (: hope you're all doing well! love you!

-hannah