The Real Housewives of St Pancras

Untitled Part 2

Robin was a bit worried about what they would find when they went out to the front porch. It was worse than he feared. There was a massive archipelago of Emma Watsons which stretched from the road all the way to the fields behind Katya's house. There were fat ones, thin ones, ones dressed in school uniform, completely nude ones and ones with penises. It's unlikely that when J K Rowling sat down to write 'Harry Potter' she had the slightest idea of the monster she was creating in Hermione Granger. Or maybe she did, and she just didn't care.

'Jesus', said Robin.

'They move in herds, just as you predicted', said Chloe.

'We're going to need a bigger boat, or at least more phones. Ring Jessica. Get her to come straight away. I will ring Ade. Isn't that Miley Cyrus down there by the road?'

'There's Scarlett Johannson too, and Katy Perry and Amanda Seyfried and lots of Selena Gomez.zs.s'

'Don't tell me Amanda Seyfried has a cock too. That would mean literally years of my semen going straight out of the window, just like that. It would be such a waste'

'That's gross, and I've got no idea what it means, except that it's gross'

'I could have put it better, now I come to think about it'

'It's gross no matter what way you put it. I'll ring Jess. We've got to get rid of all these people before my Mum sees. She will go mad at the sight of this lot'

Robin called Adrian, but before he could speak he got a whole lot of excited babble from the other end - 'I saw somebody who was the spit, the absolute spit of Katy Perry, except that she was nude from the waste down, so I didn't reckon that it was her, but then I thought there was no reason at all for a Katy Perry lookalike to appear without pants, so it might be her for all I know. I'm sure that I have seen her somewhere before, but I don't know where. I tried to film her but she didn't appear in that - how can that even happen? - so I had to get a picture of her, but she just disappeared, except that I've still got her picture on my phone. Am I going mad? -'

'No, you're not. Drop everything and come over here. Cancel all other priorities. We need you'

'I'll be there in five'

Jessica was coming out of her house, talking to Chloe on her phone. She was utterly bewildered at all the images which were now appearing nearly as far as Chloe's front garden. It was hard to blame her. More of them kept arriving. Robin couldn't work out how this was happening, because they weren't actually coming from anywhere that he could see. An intimidating number of pictures were congregating in the drive. Jessica had to walk between them while Chloe directed her by phone.

'Now, Jess, hold your nerve. Don't be frightened....calm down....You will be all right if you just do as I say. Don't spook them....Yes, I know some of them are nude....Don't make any eye contact. Don't run. Don't make any sudden gestures. Some of them are following you. Don't turn round. Nearly there....come on....come on'

Robin breathed a sigh of relief, and obliterated two celebrities who were following close behind Jessica, as a warning to the others to stay away. He felt a sense of pride at his ability to do this, although he was not sure whether it was really justified. Jessica and Chloe embraced one another. Chloe said 'Thank God you're OK! I'd never have forgiven myself if you'd come to any harm'

Jessica said 'What the fuck is going on, Chloe?'

'There's no time for explanations now, trust me, Jess. All you need to know now is that you use this to take pictures of them and don't be alarmed if they disappear. Got that?'

'Don't give me all this Buffy shit. I want to know what is going on here. Otherwise you can both fuck off and I'll go back to my room and start playing music loud through my headphones and basically pretend this never happened. I can do that. I can refuse food as well'