The Real Housewives of St Pancras

Untitled Part 4

When they arrived back at the grounds of the house, they were confronted with the sight of Emma Watson having a profound existential crisis and being comforted by the school-uniform wearing fake Emma Watson, to an extent, anyway.

'I don't want to go back to your so-called porn world', said Emma Watson 'I don't belong there'

The fake Emma Watson hailed the returning company and signalled 'she's loopy' with her finger rotating around her ear, while Emma Watson stared tragically away into the distance.

'You're only a picture, isn't that obvious?', said the fake Emma Watson 'What did you do yesterday?

'Well, not a lot, but that doesn't mean anything', said Emma Watson.

'And the day before yesterday?'

'I can see what you're driving at, but that doesn't mean I'm a picture'

'So, standing in the same place for hours and hours is normal behaviour for you?'

'But I've never heard of a person being a picture. That's just insane. I have just tried to ring 999 to tell them "I am Emma Watson and I don't know where I am, but I appear to have been kidnapped by people with threatening mobiles" and my phone says that number has not been recognised. What's that all about?'

'You're a picture on a porn site! There are no police on the internet, only moderators who don't give a fuck what happens unless some cretin is uploading videos of things such as horse-rape onto the site. That sets off lots of stressful alarms, and there's people running all over the place in panic. Your nerves are shattered by the time they're reset. Apart from that...'

'Is that men raping horses?', asked Jessica.

'Err, um, yes. Yes. Naughty men, raping horses like that. Apart from that...'

'The smoke alarm really has an alarming effect on our parrot', broke in Chloe 'He gets hyper and screams like a smoke alarm only in a much more annoying way. You can try and hold up a few palm nuts for a while and tempt him by going "palm nuts - mmm", then you try and kid him that it's night-time by covering his cage and then eventually you get impatient and batter him until he loses consciousness. He's called Ruby, and he's a little bastard'

'Well, absolutely, thank you for sharing that scenario. Where was I....fucked if I know....I've completely lost my train of thought here. All right, I'll bite, how on earth would you batter a parrot until he loses consciousness?'

'You need special parrot-proof gloves. Don't try it if you don't have them. What you have to do is get hold of the reverse end of the parrot, the tail or whatever, pull him out of the cage - he'll try and hold on like grim death to any part of the cage, because he knows what's coming. Then, as soon as he's clear of the cage, you pick a nearby blunt surface and hammer his head against it until the noise stops', said Chloe 'My dad taught me that. He's not quite the full ticket, but he knows about parrots. He says "that'll learn um", but it never quite does somehow'

'........', said the fake Emma Watson. And everyone else, to be fair.

'My mum drives my dad round the bend and he takes his pent-up frustration out on all lower forms of life. He'd like to be a menace to voles and stoats and weasels and small animals like that, but they're difficult to find unless you're David Attenborough and you have got lots of patience which my dad hasn't got really any of, the patience and whatever. Ruby is all right, we only do it gently, well not exactly gently, but we're not monsters or anything like that, well, my mum obviously is, but that....'

'No, that's enough, can I strongly urge you to shut the fuck up? If I can just continue without you or anybody else going bonkers, is that all right with you?'