LOVING MACHINE ‣ d. osamu

O8.

   SHE DIDN'T EXPECT TO spend the rest of her day lounging around, a sour expression visible on her face as the teenager was now eighteen, celebrating her birthday with the trio earlier that day. she blinks and sees the lupin trio gathered in her apartment on a rainy day. they were messing around with a few board games on the carpet of her floor. she had been terribly bored.

"what are you guys playing?" her voice managed to utter.

   "uno," dazai replied at once, eager to make conversation with her. after all, he hadn't heard from her in a year, and only now could he relax, as both [name] and odasaku were safe.

"well," she said. "how do you play?" as her parents never got the time to teach her how to play games. all she knew was hide and seek, hopscotch, and a few more.

   "i forgot that mother and father never taught us how to play," odasaku grumbled before he launched into an explanation of the game. several minutes later, she was sprawled out on the carpet with the others, holding a deck of cards in her hand as they yelled at each other.

   she grinned smugly as she set down a +4 card, making dazai glare at her as he picked up four cards from the deck. "i almost had it! i had two more cards!"

   "oh well," said odasaku, placing a wild card down and selecting blue with a number nine.

"oh my god, thank you, oda!" said ango, setting a card down, leaving him free with two cards. [name] flashed a knowing look at the moled man. it was her turn afterward, and she gazed nervously at her own cards. for my first time playing, i think i'm doing well, she thought.

   before she could let her reverse card slip, the brunette glared at her coldly, and it made her hesitate. [name] settled on just setting down a red nine, and dazai smiled cheerfully as he played, leaving him with three cards. she sweatdropped, staring down at the five cards snuggled in the palms of her hands. oda and ango take their turns as [name] places down another card. dazai plays a wild card and sets down a green four, leaving him with only two cards.

  he's too good at this, she sweatdropped. another round passes by before dazai is left with no cards. "uno!" he yells cheerfully.

   "how come you win every time?" ango said warily, as they shuffled the card deck and placed it back into the box.

"i get lucky, i suppose." the brunette shrugs.

   bored out of their minds, the little group decides to spend the day on an outing. dressed in clothes thirty minutes later, they head out onto the sunny streets of yokohama, friendly and reassuring. [name] instantly walked into a store selling cute bows. ever since the port mafia boss had gifted her one, she'd taken a fascination to them. funnily enough, she'd always been fascinated—but her first bow had gone missing once she turned eleven.

   "bows? seriously?" said oda with amusement. "your child self would be proud of you."

   "i used to walk around like an empress wearing them," she agreed. meanwhile, dazai and ango were at a shop nearby.

   "hey ango, what do you think i should get as a gift for [name]?" the curious little executive browsed through souvenirs. "how about this one?" he held up a terrifying plushie with a white ushanka and black hair. ango sweatdropped and shook his head at once.

"no, dazai. she wouldn't like that one."

    "i know!" he exclaimed, rushing over to the mythical creatures. he grabbed a kitsune from the shelf and held it up as if he were displaying a museum artifact. "she'll love this!"

   "that one it is," ango decided, paying for the plushie, as dazai didn't like to carry money around. they picked up a cute gift bag with bunny patterns on it. it was strange to see a dangerous port mafia executive walk around with a gift bag and an innocent look on his face.

   well, not really an 'innocent,' expression. more like a face of longing, as if a faraway memory passed through him like a ghost entering what remained of soul. he peered into the gift bag quietly, staring down at the kitsune plushie. in addition to the plushie, he and ango picked out a soft, silk bow in [favorite color] for her. the boy was going crazy.

   never in his pathetic life would he ever have thought that he could love somebody?

   too late, he did. he fell head over heels for what you were, not a glorified heroine that saved the world or anything. dazai knew you were trying your hardest, trying to get over the monster he was to her, trying to get over the anxiety of leaving and entering. the girl had lockpicked the door that he always tried so desperately to hide, in fear of being weak.

   he couldn't lie around you. he was sure of that, alright. whenever your [eye color] gaze dragged an icicle through his mind, there was an odd feeling that this girl knew almost everything about him.

   almost everything. just not the crush part, of course. how pathetic of me to succumb this feeling to a simple crush, he thought, bashing the porcelain of himself into pieces—no, he was just feeling embarrassed. dazai and ango met with odasaku and [name] later on at the food court in a nearby mall. "wow, this place is huge!" the girl's warm voice rang out.

   he thought you were just the loveliest person ever, as human as can be.

   "remember, guys, when we used to hide in the kitchens behind that thai restaurant?" said ango, pulling up a remnant of the past. "it was whenever we came back from a port mafia raid."

"aîné, you joined the port mafia?"

   her face had gone blank. there was no emotion to her face. she stared up at the ceiling, full of bright light and a chandelier hanging from it. oda didn't respond.

   "i'm sorry, sœurette," he replied solemnly once they sat down to eat—the group had ordered rice, chicken, noodles, and a few vegetables here and there. dazai was suddenly hesitant about giving her the gift. finally, the girl fought to keep her expression cheerful.

   "if it's whats best for you, odasaku," she replied at last. the brunette breathed a sigh of relief. once ango gave him the signal, he slid the gift bag over to her side of the table.

"i bought this for you," he said hesitantly. "as an apology."

   "thank you, dazai," she responded, her voice full of warmness again. "it's beautiful." she reached inside and pulled out the kitsune plushie, a box of chocolates, and a pretty bow. her mind eased at the sight of the heart-shaped chocolates and bow, but then she noticed the kitsune plushie. she nearly choked on her food. it's okay, he's gone now. you're not going to die from a plushie, [name] told herself. she smiled at the brunette.

   osamu dazai could only gaze back at her longingly, his hand against his head as the lovely, humanely girl started chattering about a gorgeous plant near her.

   [name] blinked again and the memory dissipated. she gazed solemnly at the ceiling. it had been a good birthday, and perhaps life overall was going smoothly.

   suddenly, her phone started to ring. "dazai?" she questioned, picking up the call and hearing a voice on the receiving end. "what's up?"

   "[name]—odasaku just..." said dazai, in a choked up voice. "odasaku went to go fight the mimic leader."

   her blood chilled. no, not now. not when she only got to spend three years reunited with him—not enough to make up for the fragments of her broken heart. he couldn't die now.

"are you going after him?" she replied quietly, her voice breaking down.

   "of course! hurry, just—just do whatever you can to help him!" dazai's voice was so desperate, it was hard not to feel sympathy for the young boy, who was about to lose one of the only people who understood him. agreeing at once, she ended the call, stuffed her phone in her pocket and grabbed her gun, then headed out quickly.

he'll be fine, she told herself. he was an assassin.

   oda sakunosuke was a former assassin who only wanted to be a writer. "i cannot bring life if i take lives," he had said once, explaining why he quit killing. he was a man of simple nature, a port mafia man who didn't do much harm, a man who was understanding.

   [name] couldn't understand the overwhelming feeling enveloping her body, sending her away to an uninvited tea party of blood and corpses.