My Reason To Love You

CHAPTER ONE

IRIS Campbell:

One. Two. Three. I counted the numbers in my head, just like my therapist suggested. The black film over my vision only gets darker with every passing second, the shrill sound in my ears consuming every other sound surrounding me. I gulped nervously. A lone drop of sweat trickled down my spine. I rubbed my clammy hands on my floral skirt and clutched the fabric harder hoping my stupid hands would stop shivering. Ten.

I pulled the door open, the rhythmic movement and shallow moaning suddenly coming to a sudden stop. Two pairs of eyes, shock visible, meet mine. The sight before me wasn't what I expected but something I would even have nightmares about. Was the universe playing a joke on me? My boyfriend scurried to a sitting position. A visible gulp, he took. The familiar blue shirt I gifted him on our first anniversary, bunched in his hands in a poor attempt to cover his body. The other person on the bed shifted nervously, I locked eyes with the other person on the bed and I practically felt the ground beneath my feet shifting.

Rachel.His bestfriend.

My boyfriend was in bed with his best friend. The universe is playing such a cliche joke on me.

I felt my whole world shatter.
"I can explain. Please listen to me, I love you." my cheating boyfriend said. I abruptly raised my hand to silence him, I licked my lips and released a shaky breath.

"There is nothing you can say or do that can make me forgive you hardin," I muttered in a still voice, turned on my heels, and slammed the apartment door shut behind me as I exited that place.

I wandered through the busy sidewalk for the past hour and now my legs begged me to stop. A few brown leaves rustled past my earthy ankle-length boots. My brown coat hung loosely from my arms. My skirt was littered with creases. I probably look like shit right now.

A soft aroma of cinnamon and freshly baked bread filled the air. A Bunch of high schoolers walked across the street, their laugh echoing in the late autumn evening. A couple occupied a wooden bench and spoke sweet nothings in each other's ear. The fall colors give the place a romantic vibe. A chill breeze rattled my bones. Everyone was happy except me.

I stopped walking and stared at the freshly baked banana bread and cinnamon rolls through the floor-to-ceiling glass of a small cafe. I pushed the door open, bells jingled above me in a soft melody. I dragged my feet inside and settled on the seat closest to the big window.

Hardin💞: I don't know how to explain this. Anything I say right now won't justify what we did. I am sorry. I was forced to lie. I tried, I did. I tried to change myself, to give us a chance. To make us work. But I couldn't make it work. Us. I was never in love with you.  I was always in love with her. I am done making my parents happy. I no longer intend to please them by dating someone I don't love.  I am sorry, I lied. They won't have accepted us. I am sorry that I used you as a cover-up. I know I have hurt you but I can't lie to myself anymore. I love her. I do not deserve to live a loveless life, and neither you. I am sorry.  Goodbye Iris.

I read the text and stared at the screen for a few moments before I turned it off and gently put it back on the table.

The noise from the coffee machine startled me. I looked outside the window and stared into nothing. I don't know what to think, how to think, what to do.

"Would you like to order anything, mam?" The young girl in a black uniform under a brown apron asked.

"One Latte, one cinnamon roll, and your best cupcakes," I replied, "and banana bread please," I  added. Eating sugary foods has been my coping method and trauma response, I need something sweet in my system right now.

Sugar is supposed to stimulate some hormone that makes you happy or whatever. Right? I don't care. Right now I don't know anything about anyone else, it's just me and food.