Have you ever felt that your world is slowly cascading down? Have you ever felt that everything that you ever know of slowly ripped you into shreds? Well, I have. And boy, was I not having it. It's been quite a while since I last said hello to my trusted friend, the abyss or void or darkness-whatever you may want to call it.
"Did you really think that it should've escalated?"
I turned to my dearest friend and confidant, Aries, and took a deep breath.
"Honestly? I don't know. It's been like this ever since dad said his forever goodbye. I've come to terms with it." I paused and shot her a glance.
"I'm sensing a "but" that seems to be missing in that last sentence of yours, Shade."
Defeated, I sighed. She knows me too well.
"You really know me well."
I looked back at the direction of the scene before me; it was filled with serenity like no other. This was peace, this was solace. But at the same time, it's a temporary and fleeting feeling.
"But it hurts. It still hurts my entirety. It feels like I've been stabbed in the back multiple times with a knife that can penetrate through my skin and bones. It hurts me. Not just physically, but my entire being is being tortured." I tried to put on my mask, to hide the vocal crack and teary eyes with a tough façade.
I then rolled up the left sleeves of my hoodie to show Aries my numerous attempts of self harm and suicide.
"I cannot bear the physical pain of doing this, Aries. I cannot. But what hurts the most is inside. It hurts more than I could ever express. I just want to die." I know that my desperation was evident in my voice and I dropped the strong façade that I was putting up.
Her face was shocked, but her eyes. Her eyes tell a different story; it was filled with concern. A soft gaze filled with so much concern for my well-being.
Who wouldn't be? If they truly know the pain you're going through; black and blue were clearly seen, fresh cuts were made every waking day. Maybe, not just that physical pain.
Emotionally unstable, mentally unstable, and no. I do not believe that I can be saved.
Nothing and no one can actually save me. I know that...
"What were you up to Solana?! Why are you doing this to yourself?! Life is precious! Get a hold of yourself and stop this. Please, don't die. Don't kill yourself."
She was on the verge of crying. Her voice was quivering, not in fear, but out of concern. Out of love and worry.
"No one can save me anymore. I'm already down the rabbit hole."
I brushed off her attempts to convince me to keep on living. Or is it really her?
The one that needs convincing about no one can save me? About the fact that maybe, I do want to live but I cannot bear the thought any longer.
'Cause if I do, it would seem like I'm dead on the inside but alive outside. A life lived in a straight lie.
It would feel like I am a living being but dead inside. Alive but dead.
Oh, what a contrast! What a life I'm living.
"If it's not for yourself, then live for those who truly care for you. You have me, you have us. Remember that."
I do? Do I really have you and our other friends?
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Ode to you, oh poisonous darling flower
Lover of the night
A friend to the void
Beautiful but deadly
Alive but on the brink of falling down
Ode to you, oh poisonous darling flower
Until when will you endure?
They love your beauty
But crush you for your deadly purpose
Oh ode to you, self proclaimed queen of the void
A helping hand reached out
Shedding a dimly lit light
Will you accept it and live?
Or will you succumb to your deadly thoughts?
