I am the problem ?

It's now 16:00 am and I'm really scared i don't why. I looked in the mirror that is infront of me . In 2 hours i will be in that bus riding to the Nederlands. Will something happen there when I'm there with my handbal team. Will i mess up everthing. I start to overthink deeper and deeper everytime when i was looking at myself in the mirror. I start to bite my nails and looked to the stuff that i had for the camp. We will play little matches with other countries like germany, the Nederlands ofcourse and denmark. I looked at my phone and see that it's 16:10 am now. I start to bite my nails harder and harder. I start to think about sh and everything all of a sudden. Then i hear my mom. "Sweatheart do you want to eat something ?" She asked. No i don't wanna eat I'm to fat "yes mom I am coming." I said. I come downstairs and see my fav food (spaghetti). I sit on the chair and eat slowly when my mom was looking at me. My mom opend her mounth and said:"Are you okay sweatheart ?" Oh fuck the are you okay thing i can't i just want to cry. My mom came closer and said:"You can let it out if you want." I looked at my mom and she was next to me. Fuck what do i need to do cry or just say yes. My mom gave me a hug and said that i have to eat slowly and it will be okay. After eating i came to my room and checked my phone. Something from Snapchat and TikTok. I check if my bestfriend sended me one and yes she did. I know her whole my life i think. Then i see that something from the handbal group i open it and see alot of shit (an argument) i didn't understoud why. My name was there the man most. All of a sudden a girl named Lili (a girl that helps with everything) says that no one cares about me but only she does. I don't know why she said that i mean who the handbal team knows about my sh and helps me with everything and then voicemails came from Jente,Merel(my bestfriend) Lili ofcourse and Lotte and way more. I heard all of them and i was shocked and i had tears. I just putted my phone on the table and cried more and more. It was 17:00 am now and my dad needs to get me on the bus with his car. I am so scared now will everyone judge me because i said nothing on the groupchat. I was in the car looking out of the window. The sky was purple. I took my phone and took a picture. I am such a sky girl. We arrived at the sporthal to meet eachother and go the Nederlands with the bus. I putted my stuff in the box and walked to the sporthal to give my id and other things. I looked down when i was walking and then up when i needed to talk to the boss of the camp. I have my id to her and all the other things. I walked to the toilet and saw That someone was there. It was Lili. Lili was on her phone texting someone and when she saw me she putted her phone in her pocket. Lili looked at me like i was someone new in her life. I didn't what i needed to do. I don't know if she even cares about me after what happend. She came closer and gave me a hug. When Lili saw that someone was walking to the toilet she stopped and leaved. I standed there and my eyes were getting watery. And then i let it all out the tears the anger and everything. After that i just walked to the bus. Everyone was there Jente,Merel,Lotte,Mara,Jolie,Ema and way more. Everyone saw that i sh myself with a little knife and that i had bloodshot eyes with tears. My arms where with bruises everywhere because i punsted a wall. I looked to everyone. Lili was on her phone, Jente is looking at me. Acually everyone but not Lili. Our trainer came and said that we have to go on the bus. I was walking to the bus when everyone was coming to me to ask if i am okay. I don't if i am okay even. I sat on a seat with Merel like everytime because she is my fav person. Merel opend her mounth and said:" it's not your fault Julia." I looked at her and said "It was about me,everything was there about me how is it not my fault." Merel looked at me and said:" who said everything first ?" Now i understand what she means. I smile and lay on her knees and close my eyes. We are now in the Nederlands and now we need to find a room to put our stuff and other. I walk to the building where we need to sleep. Everyone looked at eachother and ofcourse was Lili the first person that said something. She said:" im fucking sorry that i fucked up everything." And now everything beggings. Everyone start to shout at eachother and even Lili and Jente get in to a fight. I start to cry and everyone stopt shouting at eachother and i said "just because this happend we have to shout at eachother i know That i fucked up everything and not lili and now Lets just begin this camp then." I start to cry even more and said."i wanted to kill myself in that bathroom because i was embarrassed to show my face after that everything happend thats why i had bloodshot eyes and bruises everywhere." I stopped crying and looked at everyone and looked down. And then Jente said:"You are not the problem Julia." I looked at her and I didn't know what to say. My lips where dry and my mounth was like metal. I said:" im sorry for everything." I looked at the ground and said:" Maybe we should Think where we should sleep and who is going to share a room." Everyone was normal like nothing happend and everyone took there stuff and came to there rooms. I did all off the things in my closet. I did my pyjama on and jumped in the bed. And then Merel came from the other room and she said:" Do you have everything ready for next day ?" I looked at her and smile and do everything ready for next day. I sit on my bed and she sitted next to me. She grabbed me and played with my hair. I smile even bigger. Merel looked at me and said."goodnight the best person on the world." I smile and said:" You too." She looked at me and said:" you know that what you said is so brave." I looked at her when i was in bed trying to get it warm. I said:"thank you." I cried and she came to me and hugged me really hard. I start to even cry more. She stopped and said:" just know that it isnt your fault and im not saying it to make you happy but i mean it." I smile and said:"thank you." She stands up and says:"goodnight sweatheart." She gets to the door and she says:" good dreams" she closes the door and i fell asleep.