I am the problem ?

I am the problem?(day 1)

It's the first day off this camp. Fuck, everything will be so bad i will fuck up everything like i always do . If i wasnt here everything will be so much better. I take my match clothes and put them on with my long pants for keeping in the goal and my hoodie. I get out off the room and put my bag on the table and knock on the door of Merel. I hear her saying come in. I am to annoying i should not knock. I start to bite my nails and when i looked at them i was shocked.What the fuck did i do to myself. I start to look at my arms and i was even more shocked. What the fuck. I forgot about it and get inside the room. Merel was on the bed putting her socks.she said:"look at you, you are so beautiful." Me ? Beautiful ? Never. I said:" You too." She smiled and said:" we still have 15 minuts if you wanna know." I smile and say:"okay." I get out off the room and think about how im such a bad person and that i should kill myself.I zone out and start to overthink about everything. Everything is so shitty now and i will never have a good day. Merel gets out off the room with her bag and puts it next to my bag on the table. Mine is red and hers is black. She looked at me and said:" are you okay ?" I look at her and say:" not really." She looks at me and gives me a hug. This hug is the best i think that i got from someone. She looks at me and says:" Don't worry about everything because everything will be okay." She stops with the hug gives my bag and took my hand and we walk out from the building. We started to walk to the other girls. Everyone was talking. I start to look down and everywhere. I start to bite my nails. Everyone all off a sudden stopped with talking and everyone looked at me but not Lili she looked at her phone like everytime. Is it my fault that she always does this. The trainer came and said that it's time to go to the breakfast. We walked and walked till we were to the building where the food is. I took a sandwich and sat. Everyone came and everyone starts to talk and eat. I look at my sandwich. Is that to much or not. I took to much. I start to Shake my leg and start to bite my nails. I take my sandwich and eat it. I start to eat it slowly. That is acually good i should get more. I get up from my chair and grab a other sandwich. I walk to my chair and sit. I start to eat my sandwich. Everyone looks at me with a smile and i smile back.After breakfast we start to walk to the bus. I sit and Merel sits next to me. We start to talk about our day and how everything will look like. After riding for 30 minuts we are in the sporthal. The biggest one in the Nederlands. It's so beautiful. I get inside with the girls. We find our dressingroom. We put our sportschoes and go to the hall where we need to play our first match. I put my waterbottle and go to the goal. I get a good warmup and then the match beggings. Fuck,fuck,fuck. Will i mess up everything or not. I look at my hands. I look how the girls play. Yes they scored a goal. I start to clap and i get myself ready to catch a ball or not. My arms in the air waiting for someone to jump to the goal. No one jumped because the other team passed bad. I took the ball and pass it to Jente. I stand and wait till someone scores a goal or something else happens. Lili scores. I clap and i make myself ready to catch a ball or something else. I catch the ball and i pass it to Lili. Some minuts past the match is over. I go out off the goal and i give high-fives to the other team and say that they played good. We won with 16-1. Merel runs to me and gives me a hug and says:"because off you we won." Me and Merel start to run to the other girls. The day was going past and now was it over. It was night now. I always hate nights. They are bad i can't explain why. I sat on my bed after all of those matches we won. I am so proud off myself. Someone knocks on the door and i say come in. It was Merel. She says:" do you wanna play hide and seek with the girls i just saw on the chat." I look at her and say:" yes ofcourse."