I am the problem ?

I am the problem ? (Last day)

I can't sleep. I look at my phone and it's 2:46 am. I get up off my bed,grab my phone and get out of my room. Until i get a message from someone. It's Christoph. I smile and answer the text. The text is:" HEY HOW ARE YOU JJ I CANT SLEEP." I smile even bigger when i saw the text. The nickname is so cute. I text him back:"IM GOOD ANDD I CANT SLEEP TO CHRISI." He text:" ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU ARE OKAY JJ!!" I text:"IM OKAY DONT WORRY ❤️" shit i texted a heart. I should not do that. What will he text back. I sit on the couch and place my phone on the table. I start to bite my nails. I make it to much deal i should not think about it. I look at my phone and he still didn't text me. Fuck what did i do. I place my phone on the table again. I start to look around the building. Until i see someone walking. Dark curls i think i see. I get up from the couch and take my phone. I look from the window who it can be. Wait no way it's christoph. Someone knocks on the door. I walk to the door slowly. I open the door and see him. His curls, his eyes, his lips,his arms,his hands. He smiles and says:" are you sure that you are okay?" I start to bite my nails. He comes closer and takes me inside. We sit on the couch. Don't mess up something Please it's your moment maybe. Me and him sitting next to eachother here. How did he came here. I start to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me. He grabs me and puts me on his knees. I even cry more on his knees. My tears came on his knees. Shit i mess up everything. He start to pet my hair slowly. I grab his hand and hold it with my two hands. I look at his hand. It's so beautiful. He puts my hand on the couch and wipes my tears out with his hoodie. I don't know what i need to do now. Should i kiss him or still be on his knees. We look at eachother. His eyes are so beautiful. He is so beautiful. He takes my hand and rubs it. I don't what i need to do smile or cry more. I get up out off the couch and stand up. He stands up to. I look at off the window. He gives me a hug from the back. I smile. His hugs. He start to kiss my neck. I even smile bigger. I turn around. His mounth on my mounth. His taste. Blueberries. His hands came in my hair and i put my hands in his hair. We stop and do our forheads on eachother. He says:" are you okay now jj." I smile and say:" i bit better." He says:" that is okay the best is that you get better everytime." My slime fades and i start to overthink. What the fuck. Someone was recording us whole the time. It's Lili. Lili runs to her building. I look at my phone and see that she posted that video on her Snapchat story. Sends it to everyone that she knows and even on TikTok Instagram and Facebook. I wanted to cry and i don't why. I just kissed him and Lili puts on online. How did she even know that me and christoph where here. He looks at my phone and says:"who did that." I say:" a fucked up girl from my team did." He looks at me and says:" her name ?" I say:" Lili. And why does this needs to happen we just kissed and someone putted it on social media i just want to be with you and have good time with you." He looks at my eyes and says:" me too." He puts his hands on my face and says:" im sorry." I look at him and say:" for what ?" He start to cry. I hug him fast and hard. We stop and he says:" im so sorry."  I look at him and say:" and why are you sorry for." I grab his hand. He says:"that this happend." I look at him and kiss him slowly. He puts his hands on me. I put my hands in his hair. His kisses are just the best. I can't stop. He start to kiss me harder and even warmer. We stop and smile. I say:" everything will be okay don't worry." He smiles and says:" yeah i know." I look at the time and show him the time. He says:" oh shit it's 3:56 am u have to go." I look at him and say:" don't worry about everything get Some rest and sleep good." He smiles at me and says:" bye JJ." I smile and say:" bye chrisi." He leaves the building. Now it's empty. I go to my room and sit on my bed. Lili. Why ? What did i do to her ? Why did she putted on social media ? Will everyone judge me that i like a german guy ? I lay on my bed and fell asleep. After hours of sleep Merel came to my room on 6:00 am. We have to always wake up on that time. Merel puts the lights on and stands there. I sit on my bed and look at her and then smile. Merel opens her mounth and said:" you fucked up because of Lili." My smile fades away. Lili. I say:" i know but i don't know why she putted it on social media." Merel says:" i know that is your private life that you want to Enjoy but she ruins it." I say:" i know." Merel gets closer grabs my hands and help me get up. I put my clothes on. I put his hoodie on ofcourse. I grab my bag and phone. So many messages. Fuck it's ofcourse about that video. I walk to the girls and put my phone in my pocket. Everyone looks at me and Jente says:" it's not your fault it's Lili not you." I look at her and say:" yeah." We start to walk to the bus. I sit next to Merel. I look out of the window. We arrive in the sporthall. I put my stuff in the changingroom and put my sporting shoes on. Lili comes to me and says:" im sorry for that video but i can't delete it because it's so viral now." I look at her disgust and say:" What the fuck is wrong with you Lili. You call me a rat and then put this video online. I fell in love and then i see that someone records me kissing the best guy in the world and put it online." Lili looks at me and says:" im sorry i just wanted to get revenge because you said nothing in the group chat. You need it. Just look at you did you think i cared about you. I just put in the chat for fun to hurt you." I look at her and say:" What the fuck." She looks at me and leaves. I'm alone now. I look around the changing room. I start to look into people bags if they have something with them so i could cut myself. I start to bite my nails. I see that one of the girls has a knife.and a gun. I look at the gun. Who the fuck will have a gun with them. I ignore the gun. I take the knife and start to touch it. I close the door. I look at the ground. I drop the knife on the ground. It's so big. I take the knife. I start to cut my skin. One cut, two cuts, Three cuts. Until i did it in my belly. I was one the ground with the knife in my belly. I hurts so much. what the fuck did i done to myself. I start to cry and scream for help. Everything start to become white and black. Blood was everywhere. On my hands and on the ground. It's the end. Everything is black and white. I say:" i hope you die Lili." It is the end.