Heart shaped box

Little red book

A miscellaneous chapter covering topics from faith in god (or lack of faith) and living with auditory hallucinations.
TW: addiction, hallucinations, depression

My god
I pray to you to keep me sober and thank you when I make it through the day without.
I pray to you when I am unsure how to help the unease that has settled into my stomach.
I pray to you when someone talks about god.
I pray to you when I don't know how to breathe, live, and be.
I pray to you when I get the little thing that I believed was out of reach.
I pray to you when something I have been needing is finally something I possess.
I pray for you to guide me as I write these chapters.
In some moments, like this moment, I feel the warmth of my god, the god that loves me even when I'm senseless.

Nightstand
Thank you for holding the items I hold dearest, I cherish you dear nightstand.
He is made of moody brown wood and proudly wears his golden brown handles.
He holds my memories, containing boxes that tell stories of days that once were, he keeps my rambling diary entries in his beating heart.
In his hands he holds my finished art journals and poetry books, the art journals holding drawings made with crayons and collages of the people I have been and the poetry books capturing many moments in time.

Today
Today I am looking in the mirror with strangers trying to grow past molding reality in the ways we once did.
Today I am reading my little red book and treasuring the words highlighted on my second or third read.
Today I am waking up from dreams about trying on new clothes and new faces.
Today I cannot recall the person I was days ago, today I am not the person I was hours ago.
Today I have a quiet depression within me and a drizzling hope that feeds the flowers.
Today I am trying to be more than an addict, today I am trying to find a life less tainted and colored by substances.
Today I hear voices, kind and loving voices, unsettling and hopeless voices, they follow me wherever I plant my feet.
Today I highlighted my favorite words in the dictionary, today I doodle in sketch books and diaries.
Today I write rambling diary entries, today I write both heavy and sunny poems.

If I had the words for it
I wish I had the words for it.
If I had the words for it I would tell you how fearful I am, that I find a high so divine I don't live to write poems about missing it. I hear your name as I walk down the road, someone pulling me in for one last time.
If I had the words for it I would tell you about hallucinations, I would tell you about the many faces the voices wear, I would tell you about the things they say, I would tell you every word of it so someone would know the story in its entirety. I would tell you how I wished I could be a part of reality in the way those around me are.
If I had the words for it I would tell you about the aching in my shoulders, I would tell you about the hopeless feeling in my stomach, I would tell you the bleak story my eyes are telling me, I would tell you about my hollow body.
If I had the words for it I would tell you about how I wish I could get it right, how I hope to amount to something above the dirt.

Bruises
He finds it without ever meaning to, oblivious to the bruises and blood that lay ahead.
When he finds it it will stay with him, he will remember every facet of that moment, he will never forget the moment he found overwhelmingly beautiful.
It will change him in a way he cannot unlearn.
It is always distinctly different from his peers, you can see it in him from the moment it begins.
When he finds it it will change him in ways he cannot unknow.

Dandelion
I am walking through nature picking up cigarette butts and pieces of trash. I am talking to myself, feeling alone and at peace.
I feel no watchful eyes hovering over me, the dandelion is not a sign of something bigger, I see no divine equation being added to when I pick up a plastic flower from the dirt.
I feel a sense of peace under the warm sun, a peace with the sense that I do not have to be anyone or anything, I can be anything I wish to be, there is no grand to do list.
I've done good and bad as everyone else has, I live with the same expectations as those around me, I live with no need to purge myself from myself. I am a human being in the same way you are.