It must have a name. I'm sure it does. You're not exactly sad, you're not entertaining your usual morbid thoughts of "what if I jump into traffic" or "imagine if they find me in my bed having choked from drinking water lying down cause I'm too lazy to get up". You're just chilling, you're just there. The music you're listening to currently doesn't do it for you, it's just also there to fill the silence. No songs to move you, no stories to move you, no people to move you. Certainly, no willpower to move you. You're as hard to move as Atlas holding the whole goddamn sky on his shoulders. Imagine that guy trying to take a step with all this weight.
In this predicament you find yourself in, there is one interesting question. Is there a trigger(s)? This little thing that can either plunge you into action or into the abyss? This is no fair fight, even this moment of peace is not peace really, it's turmoil masquerading because something always boils under the surface. Something unnerving always prevents you from being settled. In the back of your mind, you know you're inside a nightmare, not the same nightmare that gets your breath to quicken. This feels like settling down to sleep under a big, dark, wet wave. Your heart rate plummets and it makes no difference if your eyes are open or closed, you can't see shit. Were you always this broken and will you continue to be so?
There is an obvious answer to filling this void, but oh, we don't want to do that. We've been doing that for a while and it's not worked. But you're still this person who enjoys the feel of salty air down by the pier, the pain on the soles of your feet after walking all day, the sun on your face. The smell of a greek salad made with in-season vegetables. The juice of a fruit running down the side of your mouth. The sun on your face. The music. God, even bad music is good.
Yes this feeling now, it feels like no feeling at all. A huge, big void. I can't be arsed to move. But I know somewhere in the corner of my mind, the void can be filled. I've done it before, temporarily I've done it. But it can be filled.
