The burden Lia Fanuk chose to carry didn't seem like much of a burden at first. When it's a decision you make that gets you somewhere where the load eventually is too heavy to carry , you don't recognize the process that got you there.
When Lia got out of high school she pursued the career her mother had told her would be the surest in terms of financial security.
Lia, being the daughter of a divorced, struggling to find work, mother of three, was okay with that. She wanted to have her own money and be independent, way more than she cared about which kind of work would make her happy.
To this day she doesn't know what kind of work she'd want to do because she never thought about it. Thinking about it would mean that she would find out something about herself she wanted to pretend wasn't there. She'd find out that she was interested in something and she had dreams and then would be let down because she would have no way of achieving them.
Lia always had her feet firmly on the ground. So when her friends made plans for college based on what they liked and hoped for the future, she choose a career where financial security was the only factor to be taken into account. She joined the armed forces, where she started getting paid at 18 and was scheduled to work as a warrant officer in the same office for the duration of her career. And she prided herself for her smart choice.
Lia yearned for safety. So wistful thinking that she dared utter out loud, gradually materialized in front of her, in the form of Kuzman 'Cosmo' Nicketer, her coworker. Cosmo comes from the Greek world Cosmos, which means 'world' which was a damn shame, since Cosmo's world was as restricted and sterilized as a hospital ICU.
A series of 'why nots' followed. He was fun but not funny, he was charming but not effortless, he was an ice cream sundae without the cherry on top. But most of all he was okay. He would never hurt her, Lia was sure. It would take a great love to leave a mark in someone's heart and she knew that Cosmo wasn't hers.
The affair progressed as one would have predicted. He met her friends and she met his. She met his sister and introduced him to her kid brothers.
There were worries of compatibility along the way. They didn't like the same music, they didn't share the same political views, he had opinions out of 1950's she couldn't stomach. But she pushed the doubts away and learned not to be bothered by his narrow world views and increasing controllingness.
Somewhere deep inside her, Lia always believed that Cosmo was just for now. He was a safe harbor in a way, with all his imperfections that she had learned to tolerate. As time passed, the voices inside her and out, that told her he wasn't good enough hushed.
The world didn't stop on her account. She was 22 and she felt like she was 40. She missed her younger self and feared that she would turn out to be one of these people that peaked in high school. God, she never thought she'd be that person.
People around her congratulated her on how 'together' her life was. Her friends that struggled to finish with college and masters and presentations and dating, they all stopped telling her that she could do better that Cosmo. Her mom that once told her she shouldn't make the mistake of settling down too soon, started speaking of the 'natural next step'. And Cosmo bragged that he'd make an honest woman out of her and save her and give her a home.
And Lia looked back at her life and didn't see a single decision. She only saw what once was a whole person, being carried by the current and along the way transforming into a shell of what she once was.
And suddenly the burden was unbearable.
Lia for the first time decided to take control of her life. If she didn't end it now, she would spend her whole life with the burden getting heavier and heavier and ending up crashing her.
For the first time in her life, Lia made a decision. A decision that made her so anxious and terrified that her insides felt like a seething cauldron. The first time she threw up, she thought it was just nerves. The second she took a pill and waited it for it to pass. By the time she raised her head from the toilet for air for the third time, she realized something was wrong.
A month later, wearing a modest white dress that just reached her ankles she found herself in the mayor's office, signing the piece of paper that made her Cosmo's wife. There simply weren't enough money for a church wedding and a custom-made wedding dress for her growing belly.
A small feast ensued where their immediate families - sans her father who refused to come- and a few friends would celebrate their union. And at that feast was where all of Lia's hopes and dreams were laid to rest.
