The Red Queen || Devil's night || Damon Torrance

|21|

Emory

7 years ago

"Why are you quitting?" I stood there, avoiding the coach's gaze and clutching the strap of the bag slung across my chest. "I don't have time," I said. "I'm sorry." I risked meeting her eyes. She was staring at me sternly, her short hair hanging just above her eyes. "You committed," she insisted. "We need you." I shifted nervously from foot to foot. I felt a twinge of self-loathing. I was good at swimming. I was a support for the team, and she had put a ton of work into training me over the past year. I didn't want to quit. Whatever, she had to accept it. I couldn't explain it to her, even though I knew she would take my silence as a sign of irresponsibility and selfishness.

The locker room just behind the office wall was filled with the voices of girls getting ready for practice. I could feel her eyes on me. She was waiting for an answer. No sense. I wasn't going to change my mind. "Is something going on that I don't know about?" she asked. I gripped the belt even tighter, which was starting to dig into my hand. But I took a deep breath, adjusted my glasses, and straightened up. "No one's going to give me a swimming scholarship," I spat out. "I need to focus on what's going to get me into college. Swimming is a waste of time."

Before she could answer or I could succumb to her pained gaze, I turned and left. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I held them back. This was a hopeless situation. I knew I would pay for this. That this is not the end yet. But I had no choice. I felt awful as I walked through the locker room, and as I was leaving, I slammed my hand against the door so hard that pain shot from my wrist to my shoulder. I ignored it and continued down the nearly empty hallway.

Thankfully, I got out of there before she could ask if I'd quit band, too. Band wouldn't have helped me get into college either. I wasn't good enough. It was the last thing that gave me a reason to leave the house. And it didn't require changing into a bathing suit. I stared at the floor, biting my lip. I felt like a ten-ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I headed towards my locker completely reflexively, because I'd already passed by there a million times. Hold on. Time will pass. Life will go on. I was heading in the right direction. Keep doing what you're doing. Along the way, I passed small groups of students waiting for extracurricular activities or training. When I got to my locker, I opened it with the code. There was still a little time left until my first class, so I could hide in the library. It was better than sitting at home.

I pulled my math and physics notebooks from my bag with the homework I had finished the night before. From my locker, I grabbed my binder, my literature textbook, Lolita, and my Spanish book. Holding everything in one hand, I reached for my pencil case on the top shelf with the other. He would find out I had given up. I had maybe a few days of peace before that happened. But I felt a knot in my stomach and a coppery taste in my mouth from the cut I had made two days ago.

It was a given that he would find out. He wouldn't want me to give up, and if I told him why, he'd only get angrier. I blinked a few times. The searing pain in my scalp from the night before last had completely distracted me from my pencils and pens. I didn't cry when he pulled my hair. But I backed away. I always cringed.

Laughter echoed from somewhere down the hall. I glanced over. Some students were loitering by their lockers. Girls in uniforms, skirts rolled up much higher than the regulation seven centimeters above the knee, and too-tight blouses under navy blazers.

I narrowed my eyes. They stood there together, smiling and joking with the boys. The whole group seemed no deeper than a puddle after a rain. Despite all appearances. Shallow, boring, tiring, full of ignorance, characterless - that's what all rich kids were like. I watched as Kenzie Lorraine moved closer to Nolan Thomas, pressing her lips to his as if they were melting together. She whispered something to him, and he smiled a little, white-toothed smile, then wrapped his arms around her and pinned her against the locker.