Falling for math

13. Elena Rose (part 1)

Trigger warnings: emotional abuse, manipulation

Miss Rose's POV

"I need you to leave." I heard myself say in a voice that was supposed to be long gone; a voice testifying of my emotional emptiness. I felt nothing, I couldn't feel anything, it was a matter of survival. Stephanie had been right; Lily couldn't care about me the way I cared about her. I was too old, too difficult, I was worthless to this brilliant young woman.

I stood tall as she left me alone like I had asked of her, I kept my emotions in check like I had been taught to when I was younger. 'Emotions are for the weak, and you, Elena, are not weak. Feel nothing, show nothing, control everything', my father had repeated to me.

Therefore, as Lily asked for confirmation that I wanted her to leave with an increasingly cracking voice, I showed nothing, and I controlled everything. I stopped my hands from shaking and I stopped the tears from falling. My father would have been proud, I was the perfect image of control.

However, I had failed to meet one of his requirements: feel nothing. I felt everything. I made the mistake of looking back at Lily before she left the room and I felt everything. I felt my heart break, for myself and for her. I felt her confusion, her pain, her sadness, the shattering of her trust in me and finally, I felt her resolution, how she had decided to brace herself and be strong. How, all at once, she had made her peace with the situation.

I saw everything break in the dejected look she portrayed, and I instantly regretted my words. Once she was out of the door, I let the tears run down my cheeks and sat down on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. It was a mechanism I had developed as a child when I had realized no one cared enough to hug me and reassure the scared child I was. And right now, I felt like a kid scared of the dark, being forced to sleep without a night light for the first time.

But I had to remind myself that Stephanie was right, I was undeserving of love. Lily, despite her good heart and gentle soul, could not love me. No one could except Stephanie. She had made that very clear earlier.

I was having a blissful morning with Lily, thinking how her presence in my life had been making me feel lighter but it ended abruptly when I heard her voice. No. This couldn't be happening, she couldn't be here right now. I closed my eyes to compose myself and hoped that when I'd open them again, my ex —the woman who had made my life hell for 3 years— wouldn't be standing in front of us.

But when I opened my eyes, she was standing in front of me with a huge smile on her face and sparkling eyes like she expected me to be happy to see her. Like she didn't remember what our relationship was like before I managed to get away. Like she was expecting me to fall back into her arms the second she asked.

Seeing her so unashamed of what she had done made me want to wipe the smile of her face. It was even harder to stop myself because I knew she deserved it; because she hadn't been punished all those years ago. That's when I told Lily to go back upstairs, because whatever was going to happen, it wasn't going to be pleasant, and I didn't want her to see.

Then, Stephanie, that manipulative monster had the audacity to mock her, to mock my— I tried to calm my anger when I repeated my demand but from the look on Lily's face, I hadn't been successful. I told myself that I would explain the situation to her later but right now, I needed to protect her from that woman.

"So, that's your new girlfriend huh?" Stephanie asked with a menacing smile.

"She isn't my girlfriend." I said, barely managing to contain the defensiveness in me that was triggered by the mention of Lily.