Falling for math

5. Absolutely not!

Today was Haley's birthday. She was eighteen today. She would be eighteen today. She would be eighteen today if that reckless driver hadn't taken her life away. She would be eighteen today if I had managed to avoid the accident; if I had prevented the car from tumbling over the edge. She should be eighteen today.

Today, we were supposed to be in France. Haley and I had sworn to each other that we would take a trip to France on her eighteen's birthday. It was her dream. France was her dream. It had been her dream since she was 5 and I was happy to go along with her. So, today, we were supposed to be in France. But here I was, alone, in North Carolina.

So today, I did what I do best; I avoided my feelings. The trick was to occupy my brain so I wouldn't have time to think; so I wouldn't have time to feel. And what better way to do that than math?

As I was walking to the library, I persuaded myself that I was going to study for the math competition and not to avoid my feelings. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation.

I went to sit down at my favorite spot and picked the hardest exercises I could find in a book that was meant for third year college students. As predicted, I managed to nub my emotions for an hour but soon, I started fidgeting. Math wasn't enough today so I decided to watch a few episodes of Criminal Minds on my iPad in addition to the already difficult exercises. For a while, the horror of human behavior and the perfect harmony of math were enough to distracted me again. Alas, an hour later, my thoughts consumed the majority of my focus again.

As I was trying to accept that feeling would be unavoidable today, I heard a noise I had become familiar with, it almost felt like a melody now. Soon, the familiar clicking of heels was getting closer and my body tensed up, whether it was in worry, nervousness, or excitement, I didn't know.

And sooner than I was prepared for, Miss Rose's face appeared in my immediate vicinity. For a few seconds, I was distracted by her appearance. Usually, I was mesmerized by her gorgeous business attire but today, she was dressed so simply it took my breath away for an entirely different reason. Somehow, even dressed in black skinny jeans and a plain green sweatshirt, she had never looked as sophisticated and delicate. I was looking at her in wonder and it felt as if it was something I wasn't supposed to see. But soon, I realized she had consumed my thoughts for a few seconds, and I wanted more. Today more than ever, I wanted to stop thinking. I felt bad for wanting to use her to numb my pain but when Miss Rose noticed me, her smile was so soft it didn't seem like she would mind even if she knew.

"Lily! I would say I'm surprised to see you here but I'm really not." Miss Rose said with a playful smile. "Are you okay?" She added with concern, probably noticing the weird expression I had on my face. As much as she had made me feel better, I didn't want to share my pain with her and see her gorgeous smile disappear. So, as usual, I deflected the serious question.

"How could I not be okay when I'm solving complicated math exercises and practicing for a math competition?" I asked sweetly, making her giggle.

"Of course! My mistake! Alright, let me help?" Miss Rose asked as she took the chair next to me.

I slid my math textbook closer to her in acceptance. Miss Rose and math? How could I refuse?

"Mmmh, those are pretty difficult exercises. But not difficult enough for the math genius you are. Try this." Miss Rose said as she scribbled numbers on a piece of paper before passing it over with a smirk on her face.

I accepted the paper gladly but realized my episode of Criminal Minds was still on and it was quite rude of me. I quickly turned it off with a whispered 'sorry', feeling myself blush in embarrassment.

"Were you watching a tv show while brilliantly solving math exercises PhD student usually struggle with?" Miss Rose asked in bewilderment.

"I guess. I like keeping my brain occupied." I answered awkwardly, feeling like my 'specialness' was on display again. But when I glanced at Miss Rose's face, she didn't seem weirded out, instead she had a soft understanding expression on her face that I wasn't sure how to interpret.