Those Days of Summer

08 - Are we alike?

A throbbing headache woke me up the morning after. It must have been the first time I carried it too far with the alcohol. My mouth was dry as hell, and my whole body felt stiff. I sat down slowly, and regretted it immediately. The world spinned around, flashing before my eyes. My hand instinctively reached for the water bottle standing nearby. Only when I quenched my thirst, I noticed the room didn't look the way it had looked the previous morning.

I found myself alone on the mattress in the middle of the bedroom, with Marcel's place just a few centimeters away. Only the empty skeletons of our bed frames by the wall were reminding me about the usual order of things. How did it end up this way? I had no recollection of whatever happened after our night trip to the lake.

I felt my stomach squeeze in terror. Panic took over my brain in an instant. Had I done something stupid, I would remember, right? What kind of moron was I to drink so much? I cursed the recklessness of mine under my breath, and quickly changed into clean clothes. Led by a sudden need to escape, I grabbed the water and left the room.

When passing by the bathroom door, the sound of the shower reached my ears. It must have been Marcel. Good, I thought. I wasn't able to face him just yet. How could I look him in the eye after such a night? What could I tell him? It all felt so surreal. I wasn't even sure my memories were true. Maybe it was just my brain tricking me into believing I finally wasn't alone. I needed to think, and I needed to calm down. Somewhere else. On my own.

„Where are you going?" Mom was just finishing her breakfast on the porch when I ran right in front of her.

„The dam," I replied quickly, eager to leave the house as quickly as possible.

"Wait a minute, sweetheart."

I stopped by the table, and leaned on the backseat of the chair, trying to look chill and casual. Pretending everything was in place didn't come easy that morning. Mom fixed me with a glare and sighed. I wasn't in trouble, was I? Had I woken her up when I was getting back to my room at night?

„You should eat something," she pointed out, continuing to drink her coffee. „Are you alright? Did you even sleep?"

I rolled my eyes. So she was just worried.

"I'm fine. Not hungry."

„If you say so." The porcelain clang when she put her cup back on the plate. „How was the party? Did you two have fun?"

„I guess so..." I hesitated before going on, remembering what I promised to ask for. „I heard Marcel's moving out tomorrow."

She nodded with her eyes locked on my face, staying silent for a longer while. As if she was giving me a chance to add something. My palms started to sweat. Suddenly all the courage disappeared.

Asking her to let him stay was admitting I liked him. And I somehow didn't want her to know. I didn't want anyone to know. It was just between the two of us. It was private. It was delicate. It was fragile, so fragile in fact, that it was balancing on the verge of non-existence. Cause where else could it be after a night like that? A night that grew us closer, but not too close. What even were we? Not yet lovers, no longer just friends. Locked in a painful state between "what ifs". What if we ruin it all by taking one step too far? Or ever worse, what if neither of us dares to?

I noticed mom's sight was unusually focused on my reactions. Could it be that she suspected we were up to something? The corner of her lips raised before she finally decided to reply.

"I know he's about to leave. Why move halfway through work though? Would be more convenient if he just stayed now. Don't you think?"

She finished off with a smile that made me realize she knew exactly what was going on. I felt my back cover with cold sweat. In spite of the panic that took over me the second she finished, I decided to play along.