Psithurism

CATFA.5

you would have stayed in your cot until you rotted away into nothing, but Steve still needed you, so you followed Peggy to the pub where Steve sat alone, sipping a beer at the bar. the place was a lot emptier this time around, having been destroyed and in rubble.

"Doctor Erskine told me the serum wouldn't just work on my muscles and my reflexes - he said it would work in my cells, create a protective system of healing, of regenerating. which means..." he turns to the two of you with somber but clear eyes. "i can't get drunk. did you know that?"

"your metabolism burns three times faster than average. he thought it could be one of the side effects." Peggy says as she makes her way over to him. you stand back, letting her speak with him.

"probably didn't want anybody stealing his schnapps," he attempted to joke.

"it wasn't your fault."

"you read the report?"

"yes."

"then you know that's not true."

"you did everything you could-"

"i got in over my head." Steve cuts her off harshly. "Bucky waded in and pulled me out, just like he always did. and the one time he needed me to return the favor, i couldn't"

you stare at him for a moment.

yes, he had seen what you could do, but he was too buried in his grief to say anything, nor would he. he cared too much about you. but you cared just as much about the stubborn blonde.

"Steve, if it's anyone's fault, it's mine." you say just as harshly, stepping closer to the blonde, grieving man. "i was too scared of what you would think of me to use my abilities, i let my fear of rejection cloud my judgment and hinder me. i could have saved him but i was too fucking scared to do anything."

"i doubt it's that simple." Peggy says, gently placing a hand on your shoulder.

"all i had to do was hold him." you both say simultaneously.

she continues to comfort the two. "did you believe in your friend? respect him?"

the two of you look at her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"then stop blaming yourself. allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. he damn well must have thought you were worth it."

you sigh and sit down in a chair next to Steve, taking his hand in yours. you squeeze it to comfort both him and yourself. you needed to ground yourself in reality at that moment. remember why you were fighting and that there were still people who relied on you and who you could rely on.

looking up at you for a moment he turns back to staring into his beer. "as soon as I finish this, i'm going after Johann Schmidt. i'm going to burn out every hole there is for him to hide in. and i'm not going to stop until he and all of Hydra are captured or dead."

Peggy takes his drink from his hand and downs it quickly. "let's go then."

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Phillips stands at the head of the table with a grim look. Steve, Peggy, Howard, you and the Howling Commandos surround him.

"Johann Schmidt belongs in the bughouse. he thinks he's a god and he's going to blow up half the world to prove it." the Colonel begins. he stabs his finger at a map of the United States. "starting with the U.S.A."

"that's insane." Dugan responds.

"so's Hitler, but he's gotten pretty far with less than Schmidt has." Peggy retorts smartly.