"Life is about give and take; you know this better than anyone; the deal is clear, either you take an in, or war it shall be.
"It's indeed give and take, so why do I feel like the only one who gives without receiving anything in return?"
"Because th...
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You have no fears when you have little to lose. You develop them when you gain more and more. When you begin to have things to care about. When you start to feel accomplished. You start feeling scared of loss when you have things to cherish, loved ones to protect.
And Taehyung figured out how many things he would lose. It wouldn't be a loss of money. He strived as much as he could from his old man. It wouldn't be the name because his name was attached to yours instead of the other way around. Nor would it be the freedom, the power, or any of the other trivialities he had come to cherish. He was about to lose you. You, his wealth and the source of his strength. His reason for forlorn smiles and bashful grins. He was about to lose you, his wife. And it was all on him, the result of a selfless choice and a lack of better options.
It would be hard to wake up in a house so cold, surrounded by professionally trained people with ethical but fake smiles justified by delivering a good employee-to-boss relationship. It would be hard not to see you sitting on the porch with a coffee mug in one hand and a cigarette in the other, gazing at the distant horizon and indulging in thoughts he'd like to be part of. It would be hard not to smell your scent floating in the air particles around a place that would contain no trace of you. He wished you would come to his new house one day. He would offer you a cup of coffee, would offer to light your cigarette for you, using the proximity as an excuse to look in the depth of your eyes and replenish on the scent of jasmine and sweet white musk. He wondered if you would invite him over, too, figured that you would want nothing more to do with him when it was all over. Because why would you? You failed to feel connected to him after everything you've been through. The bad and the good. You didn't even dignify a moment of physical bonding and the exchange of confessions spoken with touches, looks, and heavy breathing.
Yeah, you might say a final goodbye in front of the courthouse and show him your back, he reckoned.
See, it's these types of thoughts that killed him from within. They replaced the taste of victory with sorrow and made him weep over a spoiled recipe. It was salty from the tears, which he suppressed as best he could, but they met his lips nonetheless. It was sour from the overwhelming taste of loss, which he found very ironic. Loss amid fucking victory. What a fucked up life.
But even though Taehyung thought about the possibilities and potential scenarios of a future without you and how bleak it would look, he never thought about a response from you that wasn't a signed document. As a matter of fact, he didn't expect to hear such a firm no, nor did he think that he'd see you opposing the idea of divorce to the extent of standing in front of him, tall and mighty, threatening with a voice you wished would come across as potent, but the muffled agony peaked through it despite your efforts.
"What do you mean, doctor?"
Taehyung got up from the sofa and walked towards you with hesitant steps. It seemed like he was afraid— - afraid of the answer to a question he'd asked, afraid of a person he loved, afraid that his heartbeat might be loud enough for you to hear, afraid that it would confess again and lead him into a loop of rejection and despair. He ran a hand through his hair. Looked at you after the sigh he expelled, which had forced him to close his eyes for a second, with a focused gaze and a frown marring his eyebrows, and you avoided that gaze for a second. Just a second. Because lately, you've realized how much you loved his eyes. How expressive they were. How cold and yet so warm, like a caressing spring breeze. You didn't want to take your eyes off that jaw, which tightened so much that it looked sharper than a blade. You couldn't stop your eyes from disobeying your brain's commands and traveling straight to his lips, which he bit as he waited for an answer that you were still working out with your heart and mind, though the latter couldn't focus.
