"Life is about give and take; you know this better than anyone; the deal is clear, either you take an in, or war it shall be.
"It's indeed give and take, so why do I feel like the only one who gives without receiving anything in return?"
"Because th...
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You were far from forgiving, far from forgetting. The taste of loss was not entirely foreign to you. You were used to it. Well aware of its subtleties. Of the pain. Of the sickening stench it brings. You lost your family without burying them in the ground, without funerals and mourners. After reflection, you figured you never really had a family. You were a mere business means to your parents. A product that increased sales and kept the company you eventually destroyed at the top of the charts. That's why the insults your mother hurled at you weren't really painful. Her tear-stained eyes as she watched the prosecutors clean out the house did not evoke any feelings a daughter should feel in such a situation. In fact, those feelings didn't even show themselves as you sat on the bench and silently listened to the judge sentence your father to ten years in prison for conspiracy to commit murder.
But now, as you stood in front of Jimin's grave and saw his beautiful smile on the picture you had hung next to his name, your dormant feelings were reawakened. It was a picture his sister had taken a few months before he died. She had sent it to you at your request. He looked happy, despite the small hint of longing in his eyes. He seemed content with what life had given him, and you wished you could have given him more than what you had taken from him. You wished you could have wrapped your absence from his life with a pretty bow and given it to him instead of the presence you selfishly insisted on until it led him to his dismay. You wouldn't have stood in front of his name stone if you'd accepted that you weren't meant to be together in the first place.
But the "what ifs" rarely changed destiny. They seldom changed realities. You weren't here to focus on your regrets and drown in them. You were here for him. You were here to free him - and free yourself from the shackles of a past that can't be changed, no matter how much you blame yourself.
"I kept my promise, Jimin. I made sure he paid for what he did to you."
The weather was beautiful, albeit cold. The sun was shining and the bright rays warmed a place that was filled with the chill of death. You sighed and looked around. A few visitors held monologs that went unanswered. Undiscussed. After another sigh, you went back to what you were going to say: "I may have even kept another promise without even meaning to. I buried our past in my heart, Jimin, just like you wanted me to, and moved on. But I want you to know that you will always be my first love. You will always be the man who made my heart feel emotions I didn't know I could feel. Thanks to you, I learned what love feels like, and I will always be grateful for that, Jimin."
The tears running down your cheeks were heavy, but not painful. They were liberating. A mixture of acceptance and the end of grief. You were sure he was glad that you had finally stopped mourning him. You were sure that he was now at peace and free from the burden of grief you had placed on him. "I release you and myself, Jimin, but you will remain in my heart forever."
Your fingers caressed his features behind the glass, your eyes taking in his smile and imprinting it on your brain. "I won't come here as often from now on to keep my promise, but if you miss me, just show up in my dreams and I'll come here the next day. Pinky promise."
