Drowning on Land

The Films in me are searching for a theatre

When I look in the mirror

I see an actor playing the role of victim

That dead blindness in those eyes

Is not mine

But my grief's

My grief is me, myself

I am the only reason for its existence

I say to people I'm incomplete, something is eating me

But

It's just me, feeding my souls with daydreams

And when my soul is all full, fed up

I start stuffing them in all my body parts

People chase their dreams to one day catch it, to be like always they wanted.

As for me I sit and watch all my dreams running front of me

Like a film displaying in theatres

where you know all the characters aren't real but still you hold the hands of narration as if it's all true

I'm too watching a film for ages, alone. Where my dreams run , run and run

as if characters in a movie, all fake, no one real.

Since I got to know we can dream, I'm there. Relaxed just watching them run.

Now I see them running out of energy, slowly flying away.

It's been decades now I sit alone, with lights turned off in the theater

And my film is all blank

Maybe that's what eating me

A part of me flew

I'm incomplete

And the separation from only thing I used to have ,breaks me

And here I'm regretting

Then grief comes

Like a best friend, when I'm all blue it take all my blue out to paint my body blue

Then I say grief is me, myself.

As I let it eat my parts, take my parts and take the roots of my body

It's me, it's made from my broken pieces

People say we plant our roots in our loved ones so they'll never get lost and would always return to us.

My grief took my roots, now it will never get lost and always return to me when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm singing, when I'm sick.

That's why it comes to hug me, on beautiful morning like my loved one, to greet me.

And in the end when now I look in the mirror I see an actor whose not the victim but still playing one.

I should have chased my dreams

But no,I blame others for my miserable conditions

I blame others to demolish my theatre of dreams, whereas they did right. A theatre that not anymore displays film deserves to be fallen.

As I walk through the fallen walls of love, made from bricks of hopes, empty broken chairs of longing that longed for appraisal, for people to come and praise, the curtains that waited to rest, to be fallen down, so the flim comes to an end and the theater hall that always wanted echoes of clap, cheers to be echoed but turned deaf by the singing silence

Now all of it came to an end

Brutal end

And I'm the guilt

But i blame the conditions, the problems

I never address my failure

Maybe  the kid in me will always remain sacred of failures

And to cover them the adult me would lie

That's why when I now stare myself in mirror I see an actor whose not at all a victim, but just a failure, a failed actor....