Before the Battle

Scars 2/4

This time I remembered the dream.

Maybe because of my conversation with the soldier, but when I woke up in Shira's arms, I could still see it before my eyes.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking.

Not even his closeness, his words, his embrace, nothing could calm me. I was paralysed with fear, gasping for breath, my heart beating wildly.

The sharp light from the lamp hit my eyes, blinding me for a few moments.

Shira held my shoulders and talked to me, trying to bring me back.

Finally he succeeded.

I clung to his arms, trying to steady my breathing as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Fine," I rasped as soon as I could speak, pulling myself out of his arms without looking at him.

I felt stupid. I didn't know why I couldn't cope. If any of us should have nightmares, it was him. But Shira was fine. Despite what he'd been through.

I, on the other hand...

I got out of bed, my hands still shaking slightly, the hair on the back of my neck sweaty. Shira watched me in silence, and I thought he'd let it go. But I barely took two steps before he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him.

"It doesn't seem fine to me," he said, "what were you dreaming about?"

After his question, several images from the dream surfaced in my mind. 

I was standing against the wall, waiting to be executed, seeing Riisen's mutilated body, the guts oozing from the huge wound in his stomach, the smell of blood, the terrible feeling of helplessness.

And then the scene changed, it wasn't Commander Riisen waiting for his death, it was Shira. And there was nothing I could do. I couldn't move. I just watched helplessly as he died a slow and bloody death.

I was unable to find the words to describe the horror to Shira, even if I wanted to. And I didn't want to. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, I was shaking again.

 He also realised that he hadn't helped my condition with his question and didn't press the issue any further. He stared at me helplessly, with concern in his eyes.

"Maya said that while I was gone, you..."

"I know what she told you," I interrupted, still shaken, "I overheard you."

I was angry. Not at him. Shira had never been one to pry, and even now he was only asking because he was worried about me. I was angry at myself, at my weakness. And maybe a little bit at Maya. Because she had told him.

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked, a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"Why should I?" I snapped at him, regretting it immediately.

Guiltily, I looked away from the blue-grey eyes that were so intently studying my face, searching for answers.

My gaze fell on his bare, scarred chest.

Slowly, I reached out my hand and gently ran my fingers over them. I knew he was still uncomfortable with me touching them, but I also knew he would let me.

"You haven't told me what happened that night either."

"Taira," he sighed, but didn't pull away.

He let my hand roam freely, tracing every single scar on his skin.

How much pain must be behind each one. I learned something more from the officer's words, but he wasn't there either. Only Shira himself could describe the depths of that hell to me.