to my destiny 💫

017.

[jackie's point of view]

i felt my breathing nearly come to a complete stop when cole said it was me. he... he was saying that i was the one he wanted. no matter how much i wanted to say something that reciprocated his feelings, how could i? courtney would be devestated if i dated him right after they'd just broken up.

"oh... wow," i said with scrunched up eyebrows. "cole, i... i don't know what to say." he glanced away and sighed. "look, i know you've probably moved on and what not, and you're trying to avoid dating right now, and i get that. i'm not asking you to commit to anything. we can just stay friends. i just... would like to know how you feel about all of this... and about me."

when i met his eyes, i felt a deep pang of sadness. "cole, of course i have feelings for you. they didn't just disappear overnight, or at all, really. i just... can't do anything about it after you and courtney breaking up. i don't want to hurt her the way i hurt alex in the spring."

"i figured you'd say something like that..." cole's voice trailed off before continuing what he was saying, "and i get it. you don't want to hurt anyone. i don't either. the last thing we need is alex getting angry over everything... or, i guess, word getting back to courtney."

i nodded slowly. "exactly... so, we're on the same page?" cole rolled his shoulders as he tilted his head back and forth, saying, "well-- not exactly." i couldn't hide my frown. "what do you mean?" 

he finally met my eyes when he said, "well, now that i know that you feel the same way... it's not exactly going to be easy to hide how i feel. we can't just go back to ignoring each other again. we've got to figure out how to, i don't know, figure out how we're going to go about this, new york."

it pained me to say it, but it wasn't that simple. "cole, we can't 'go about this.' you know that. i hate that it has to be this way too, but there are way too many people that this could affect. i mean, everyone in the house, courtney, kiley--"

"kiley-- like alex's kiley? what does she have to do with this?" cole interrupted with a concerned raised eyebrow.

i felt my eyes scrunch closed in annoyance. i didn't mean to let that slip. "she kind of cornered me the other week about having feelings for you. i mean, obviously i told her i didn't. she's been watching me extra close because she knows that isn't true. if she finds out about it, she'll be the first person to tell alex."

"of course she will," cole muttered, rolling his eyes. "she's had a crush on alex forever. she'll never admit it, but it's undeniable if you watch the way she acts around him. she's probably just pissed because she was crushing on him hardcore before and while you guys were dating. she was jealous, so now she's angry on alex's behalf."

my eyebrows knit together as i frowned. "she's had a crush on alex the entire time? how come she hasn't said anything?" 

cole shrugged before leaning back against the door. "she's probably scared of rejection. plus, it's not like alex really sees her that way, but that's beside the point. if we decide to do this, we have to be the ones to tell alex first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[cole's point of view]

i watched jackie shake her head, obviously trying to fight it again. i get why she doesn't want to do anything, but i can't go back. i've already made that decision once, by dating courtney and acting like nothing happened between jackie and i, and i can't do that again. i don't want to do that again.

 i'm tired of doing things i don't want to just to try to protect my little brother's feelings. it's not like it actually does anything. he gets mad about it no matter what i do. so, what am i really protecting him from at all?

"you know we can't do anything, cole. it's too soon, and it's not fair to pull something else something so horribly on courtney. i don't want to be that kind of person," jackie said.

i sighed and told her, "look, when i broke up with her, i told her that i broke up with her because i liked someone else. i mean, i didn't tell her it was you, but she got the gist. i'm sure it wouldn't be the easiest thing to actually explain that--"

"we can't do that to her, cole," jackie interrupted with a shake of her head. "it's not fair. since you didn't tell her that it was me that you had feelings for, we really really can't start anything up. the right thing to do is wait. we have to wait at least until she moves on and i can't talk to her about this without losing her friendship."

i opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. i stood in disbelief, shaking my head. "that's not fair, jackie, and you know it. that's not even a real time line. it could take her months to fully move on-- or it could be next week. besides, it's not like us dating would have anything to do with her. it doesn't at all."

jackie's eyes softened as she shook her head. "you know we can't, cole. i'm sorry, but it's the way things have to be for now. i'm going to go to sleep now, but i'll see you in the morning. goodnight, cole."

i sighed and shook my head as she walked up the stairs. there was no way we could just go on pretending like there was nothing there. there had been since she'd first come to silver falls. i sighed as i quietly said, "'night, new york."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

little did they know, danny had heard jackie's and cole's entire conversation.