to my destiny 💫

002.

[jackie's point of view]

the first thing that i read when we got back to uncle richard's house was alex's texts. the three long paragraphs were the hardest to read. they made me feel guilty in a way that i couldn't even understand. 

Hey Jackie, I don't know why you left but I'm assuming it has to do with Cole. He told me you guys had a little talk last night, but he didn't say much of anything else. I hope that you feel close enough to me and trust me enough to tell me why you left, but I guess there's nothing I can really do to make you feel anything else. 

I'm sorry if yesterday was too much too soon, but I'm not sorry for what I said. Because I do love you. I know you're gone now, but I knew just how incredible you were from the moment you walked into our house and I haven't doubted it for a second since. You're beautiful, kind, talented, devoted, motivated, and loyal. There aren't a lot of girls out there like that, especially not in Silver Falls, as you already know. I love you for everything you are and everything you have been to me.

I really hope that you'll be able to call once you land because I seriously just need to reassure you that everything is okay. Even if you're miles away in the city, I still love you. Actually, I love you even more than before because I'm just starting to realize how much I already miss you and how hard this summer is going to be without you. Anyways, I hope that your plane ride went well and that you're coming back to Silver Falls next year. You are coming back next year, right? If you don't, I might have to come stay with you in New York City for the next year because I miss you so much. I love you. Stay safe and please call me as soon as you can.

after reading them, i decided it was definitely better not to text alex and instead just text him back instead. it would be better than saying what i was thinking through a phone to his face. i couldn't do that to him. not really. i knew it would hurt both of us too much.

Hey, we just got back to my Uncle's house. Thanks for texting me, Alex. It was really sweet. I know that you wanted me to call, but I think it'll just be easier if I just text what I need to say.

I left Silver Falls temporarily. I might be coming back for next school year, but I'm not sure yet. I'm going to wait and see how I'm feeling after the next three months. You were right about it being about Cole but probably not in the way you think. You shouldn't be mad at him. He did nothing wrong. He just made me realize how much I needed to get away to clear my mind about a lot of things. I'm going to try to go to therapy to help with everything.

Thank you for saying that you love me, but I can't reciprocate those feelings right now. I care about you so much, but saying you love someone is a really big thing and a kind of commitment I'm not ready for. Since we're both going to be away from each other for a while, I think it's best if we take a break. I'm not saying we should break up because I honestly don't want to. You're incredible. I just don't think we should be technically dating when we're both going to be so far away and won't even be seeing each other for a good three months. I would still love to talk to you every day or however much you want though. Let me know what you think!

after sending the longest text i've ever sent in my life, i took a deep breath.  it was relieving not technically being in a relationship. it was for the better. after what happened with cole, it would be like eternal hell looking at alex and knowing how wrong i did him. 

i took a deep breath and decided to get the rest of it done with. i had to answer cole's texts. there weren't too many, but they were all one lines texts, not long paragraphs like mine and alex's had been.

I'm sorry about last night if I messed with your head

But you shouldn't have just left without saying anything

I told Alex that we talked but if we're going to tell him what happened we need to do it together.

Let me know when your plane lands, We need to talk face to face

i frowned as i stared at the last text. the last thing i wanted to do was call cole after everything that had happened. i left the teapot in silver falls. that was something i couldn't bare to bring with me. it would remind me too much of him.

We just made it back to Uncle Richard's house. I'm not sure if calling is the best solution to all of this right now, but you should know that Alex and I are on a break. I'm going to need some space from you too. I care about you both, but I have some things I have to take care of in New York before I can actually be in some sort of a relationship with anyone. I hope you can understand. 

Also, thank you for what you did with my sister's teapot. It was beautiful. I promise I won't forget the things you did for me. 

knowing cole, i thought that he would wait to respond, but he didn't. he responded to my texts right away, and we ended up having an entire conversation through text.

Fine, no calling, but I still have some things that I get to say too

That's fair. I'm ready to hear out what you have to say.

I'm not sorry that I kissed you, Jackie 

I've essentially liked you since the first month you came to Silver Falls

I also planned on giving you the teapot before, but I saw you and Alex kissing and that's when I decided it was better not to

I'm not sorry I kissed you, but I'm sorry that it happened when it did and I regret that I kissed you because Alex and I were still together. I liked you to a tee, but I also thought you were kind of a bad person at first. Again, thank you for the teapot. It was really sweet.

No problem

My mom said that Alex told her you're coming back next school year

Why didn't you tell anyone else??

I said I wasn't sure yet. I'm still not sure. I might not come back. There's so much going on in my head right now. If that's still happening three months from now, I definitely won't be coming back

I'll talk to you later. I have some things to talk to my uncle about

i tossed my phone onto the bed and sighed. i wanted to talk to cole longer, but it was just going to complicate things even more. all i knew was that if i went back to silver falls for junior year, things were going to be anything but easy.