Letting go is one of the most difficult things I've had to try to get used to lately.
I've learnt to let go, maybe a bit too well.
Like all people, I've had my fair share of important people in my life disappear.
Whether it be an important family member or just someone you kinda knew, it always hurts.
It feels like someone is just pulling at your heart, ripping out a connection.
It could take years for the string to finally break away, or it could be over in a snap.
But... I'm having a different version of this.
I don't feel like someone is ripping a thread out of my heart, I feel like I am the thread.
I don't know who I am. And now people are just expecting me to be the self I've pretended to be my entire life.
That part of me is dead.
I'm not who I used to be.
After this attempt on my life, I've just realized I don't care.
Life is gonna grind me down into nothing, and I've just accepted that fact.
Am I no longer suicidal? Of course not.
I'm always one moment away from letting my intrusive thoughts take me down.
But am I going to at least fight back?
Probably. I'm trying to be better.
I'm finally letting go of my past self, the one who was sporadic, the one who was too focused on their mistakes to put themselves out there, the one who was too afraid to trust anyone past surface level.
There's no point in that.
I'm starting from scratch.
And hopefully I'll learn to enjoy the life I've been given instead of only wanting it to be taken away.
Goodnight. See y'all next week.
:)
