so long, london • charles leclerc

trois

"i kept calm and carried

...

the weight of the rift"

...

lila was right.

i knew she was.

whenever something in my life went wrong, i always picked up my guitar or open my piano and just let my emotions guide my body through the instrument.

lila was out right now meeting with an old friend for brunch, and so i was left alone in my new place, staring at my guitar from across the room.

i sigh, giving in and getting up from my bed to pick up the guitar. i inspect it for a moment before taking it with me to sit in my living room.

i strum it a few times. nothing.

usually a tempo would come in my head to play but nothing. i had no desire to play anything.

i groan out loud in frustration as i lower my head on to my guitar. why am i so scared of my guitar?

i stayed there for a few minutes contemplating about how to fix this. i needed my love for music to come back because if i didn't have that, then i had nothing.

but instead, i found myself picking up my phone and dialing a number..

"hello?"

"oh- uh... hey.. i don't know about the time zone of wherever you are so i hope im not disturbing.. but i just uh- needed some advice..." i speak carefully, not sure if i had made the right choice in calling this person.

"no of course not stella, you know you're always welcome to call me whenever you want to." i sigh in relief.

"oh ok.. sorry it's just that- i don't even know.. i just kind of lost my spark. i mean, im currently sitting in my new house in monaco with my guitar and i- i can't-.. im stuck. i physically can't play anything, it's like my body won't let me." i confess. "and because you're like you know, taylor swift, i just wanted to call and ask you for some advice. i really want to get back into music again but it's like my body's rejecting it."

there was a few moments of silence on the other end before taylor replyied. "look stella, i don't know what you've gone through after all this, but just know that your guitar is your escape goat. stop letting your body take control and listen to your heart. let your heart take the reigns. you're scared of your own guitar? write about it. no scratch that. don't write, just sing stella. it's what you do best. sing what your heart is feeling in this very moment." taylor's advice was bringing me close to tears. this woman really was a poet.

"thank you, taylor. that's really helpful" i thank. "of course stella. i'm always here and im wishing nothing but the best for you." i smile and give her another thank you before hanging up.

i place my phone down on the couch and set up my guitar again. i stare at it for a little while, while i soak in what taylor just told me.

listen to your heart.

just sing stella.

sing what your heart is feeling in this very moment.

you're scared of your own guitar? write about it.

i shake my head and focus on the instrument. i breathe in slowly, then breathing out before focusing on the feelings i was feeling right now.

not about the breakup. not about the past. just now.

and soon enough, it's like my fingers started listening to my heart.

the familiar feeling of the strumming of the guitar was a feeling i had longed for and missed so much.
and after that, it's like the words just fell out of my mouth. just sing stella.

"i say that im fine, i tell you all the time.

i've never felt so happy and sure..

but im so scared of my guitar

cause it cuts right through the heart

yeah it knows me too well so i got no excuse

i can't lie to it the same way i lie to you

im scared of my guitar

if i play it, i'll think too hard

once you let the thought in, then it's already done

so i'll lay in your arms and pretend that it's love"

i've let the tears fall freely by now. lately it seemed all i did was cry, but for the first time, it was a good thing.

i found music again.

thank you taylor.

.