The 10th Member

Strained

First Person POV

Ever since I caught Sana and Dahyun making out in the kitchen that day, I've felt very awkward around both of them, especially Sana, because we never really got a chance to properly clear up what I saw. I was embarrassed that night, to say the least, and let it get the better of me, coming to a conclusion based on my perspective without giving the two girls a chance to speak.

It's too late to approach them now so I guess we'll never talk about it.

It's not like I get time to anyways.

Since I'm new, I'm catching up on idol things, and surprisingly, the public responded well to my addition. I've been super busy, in fact, everyone has. We're working on a comeback, after all. For the music video, there was a part where we had to get into groups of three and I was with Dahyun and Momo. This part took a bit of time to record because it was tricky and someone or the other kept on messing up. Due to obligations, I had to converse with Dahyun and she seemed very chill, acting as if nothing happened that night.

So I don't know why I made such a big deal out of it.

Dahyun isn't even involved in this whole thing. The reason why I'm doing what I'm doing (which is avoiding Sana) is because I like her and she doesn't like me back, that's all. Dahyun isn't part of this, and I don't want to drag her into it either. So I speak to her normally, how I do with the other members.

The problem is the relation with Sana.

I've seen her try to approach me many times, many many times, and I always turn around and walk away or immerse myself in something in order to ignore her. I try everything and anything to stay away from her as much as I can. It's not like she's a bad influence, I just... I'm scared. I'm scared I'll start liking her even more, I'm scared she'll find out and I'm scared something will go wrong.

So, I'm forcing myself to lose feelings by keeping myself busy and away from Sana which isn't really working but at least my feelings for her aren't growing.

I mean, how can they? I don't spend time with her, I barely see her, I don't talk to her because every time she tries to, I go away. So how can my feelings for grow? They won't go, but they won't grow either. 

One day, after dance practice, everyone was packing their things and leaving. My stuff was scattered so I was taking more time to put them inside my backpack. I turned around and noticed that it was just me and Sana left in the room.

Now a bit tensed, I started throwing everything inside my bag, regardless of whether it fit or not.

"Y/n." I heard her say my name. I froze for a second, but then went back to packing without responding.

"Why are you avoiding me? Have I done something?" The room's silence was disrupted by her sweet voice yet again.

Because of how I was keeping my things inside my bag, some weren't fitting so I just closed the zip and picked up the remaining stuff, dashing out of the room.

"Hey! Stop ignoring me!" The pace of my steps quickened and so did hers.

As I started jogging down the long, empty and cold hallway, I heard her footsteps stop.

"Can we please just talk?!" She sounded so very hurt and neglected.

But me, being dumb old me, didn't turn back. I didn't stop, even for a second, to just hear her out. To just hear what she had to say. I walked away. Like every other time, I walked away.

And these stupid, silly little decisions that I made so often is what started significantly straining our relationship.

If we ever had to sit next to each other in the van, I'd force myself to sleep or switch seats with someone, usually making an excuse. I'd do everything not to talk to her.

And I saw it, I saw the frown on her face every time I did something like that but I continued to be selfish, disregarding her feelings.

She'd often try to approach me after practice, or shows, places she knows I can't make a commotion and talk to her maturely but I just ran away every time. Like a coward.

I also started sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to sleep next to her. Not because I was uncomfortable, but because it felt too awkward to do so.

I think the other members started noticing this as well, how minimal our interactions were and how dejected she seemed around me.

"Y/n, is something wrong?" Jihyo's voice interrupted my moment of solitude on the balcony.

"Huh? What do you mean?" I asked, confused by her question.

"Between you and Sana, I mean. You guys don't talk much." I gulped at this. I forgot that the people around us would eventually catch on.

"No, everything's fine. It's an awkward yet healthy relationship that will soon fix itself." I replied, which was a completely blatant lie. Awkward part is true, however it's anything but healthy.

"I see... You two are old enough to sort it on your own and I don't want to interfere. But if you ever need any help, I'm always here, ok?" She said with a sincere smile. I was grateful for her words but I don't think anyone can help us with this except ourselves.

"Thanks, your words mean a lot to me." I patted her back and left the balcony.

I wanted more time alone, which is certainly something I wouldn't get in the dorm. Don't get me wrong, I love being around these girls, they've become such an important part of my life. But right now, I need to be isolated, to think about things.

Everyone was huddled in one of the bedrooms, except Momo who was snacking in the kitchen and Sana who was watching television in the living room. It was about 11pm when she saw me put on shoes and a jacket, heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?" She seemed concerned, and I felt an obligation to answer her.

"Out." My response was still quite dry, indicating I didn't want to speak.

"This late at night? Will you be fine?" I appreciated her concern but it was the last thing I needed right now.

I thought for a few moments about how to respond, or whether not to respond at all. But I was in a little bit of a bad mood after being interrupted. And I knew I'd regret saying this later but I still did.

"What does it matter to you?" My tone was laced with venom and I glared at her from the corner of my eye. I saw the astonishment on her face. Even though I'd always been ignoring her, I never said anything mean or rude to her face, so this took her by surprise.

That was the last thing that escaped my mouth before I left for a late night walk through the neon-lighted streets of the dystopian city of Seoul.