THE FARM || ITASASU

Part 5

"I told you that it was a bad idea," Itachi said sternly, but in his eyes, Sasuke saw concern and pity. "It was raining not long ago, I told you the monkey bars would be still wet." Sighing, he lifted the tiny leg into his lap and took a closer look at the scraped knee. The bleeding had stopped already, but there were small stones and dirt trapped inside the wound. It wasn't as bad as Sasuke's cries suggested. But he was only five and any wound or pain for him was the end of the world.

Sasuke rubbed his tears with his small hands and put on a brave face, but his bottom lip kept quivering, betraying his attempts at looking as if it didn't hurt at all in front of his hero.

Itachi didn't know that Sasuke still had that scar from his childhood on his knee and that sometimes, when the wound of Itachi leaving still hurt deep in his chest, he would lay his head on his knees and circled the scar with his fingers. To remember how caring he used to be. To remember that he existed. But now it wasn't that young boy sitting in front of him. It was a stranger that looked at him with cold eyes devoid of emotion. Just the way his own eyes looked right back at Sasuke.

"You've grown up a lot," Itachi began, feeling like a distant grandma when she meets a child she's seen a long time ago. "It took me aback."

"Oh? Just like you getting up one day and leaving took me aback?" Sasuke smiled, but his eyes remained empty.

"Fair enough," Itachi looked away. He couldn't handle the cold eye contact. "I made my bed, I have to lay in it." He felt something in his throat, blocking his airways. Was breathing always this hard? He couldn't handle this, the awkwardness, the distance, the uncomfortable ringing in his ears. There was nothing he could say to take everything back, to make it all better.

"I know that it is hard to believe, but I had no other choice. I was younger than you are now when I had the final argument with Fugaku. I didn't know how to deal with it then. How to salvage the broken pieces I found myself trying to glue back together..." A lady brought their plates and and promptly left them saying to enjoy their meal. "It's hard for me to talk about it, even now. I made my peace with it, but that makes no difference in how it hurts even now."

After Itachi left, often times he would ponder if he was unworthy of love.

Those who were meant to love him unconditionally did not, they didn't seem to care at all, actually, as him being himself meant dishonour to their family, it didn't matter whether he acted on it or not, just the interest was more than enough for his parents to draw the line. Or more or less, for one of them to hold the chalk while the other watched from a distance. Often he would wonder if anything would have been different had their mother spoken out on his behalf, to protect her eldest child. None of that mattered now, not anymore.

"You see, back then, I had a very close friend. It doesn't matter who it was, because they're not around anymore, but... anyway, one time when we were outside, Fugaku saw us when he was coming back from work. We skipped school that day, it was the first time I'd done that. It was also the last." The thing in his throat was not going away, on the contrary it felt as if it was getting bigger.

Once again, those emotions he fought so hard to put into a neat little box somewhere hidden deep inside himself, were spilling out. Not slowly, but like violent ocean waves crashing into him. Unlovable. That's how he used to feel. And that is precisely how he felt now.

He was still so young then, too. He was supposed to be protected. To be cared for. To be loved. But it wasn't their fault, was it? No, it couldn't have been. It had to have been his own fault, his own shortcomings. He was the problem.

"I mean, I know dad can be pretty tough sometimes, but I don't think you skipping school was enough of a reason for you to have to pack your bags and go." Sasuke said while Itachi took a long moment of silence.

Of course he didn't understand, how could he, when Itachi could hardly understand it himself.

"You know that Fugaku is very set in his ways. Traditional to a fault." Itachi wasn't looking at Sasuke and neither of them have touched their food or drinks. His eyes were burning holes into the table. "That friend of mine was special, you see, it was that friend that made me realise a lot of things. For example that I couldn't let Fugaku control my life the way he did. And when I went against him, or rather, stood up for myself, that was the begging of the end. It went on for a few months before I finally came to the terms with the fact that I could no longer stay there. That there was no place for me anymore."

Thinking back to those tormenting times was somehow bittersweet. He lost so much in such a short time. Things and people that he would never get back.

"I tried to shield you from it as much as possible. So you wouldn't witness the fights and arguments and the broken pieces of the family we once used to be. And that's why I didn't tell you, either. You were so young. I cared for you too much to stay. You deserved to have all the things that were taken away from me." Finally looking up across the table, it was as if the hands of the clock turned backwards. As if in front of him wasn't the grown up Sasuke, but that same little boy from that rainy day on the playground, with his bottom lip quivering and his eye's holding back tears so that he could look brave in front of his big brother.