Benumbed Me | Zayn Malik

April 1 - 17

________________ 5 April ___

6 months.

6months of not seeing him.

6 months of being alone.

6 months of useless work at Starbucks.

6 months of meaningful casual texts.

6 months of me falling into a dark, cold sleep every night.

6 months of me waking up in a chilling, wet sweat.

6 months of ?.

________________ 11 April ____

Dreams and nightmares.

Reality and not reality.

What is the difference?

Dreams = Not Reality

Nightmares = Reality

My dreams are so high up like a balloon. They can never deflate to the ground where my nightmares are. My nightmares feel so real. They surround me, my body, closing me into a darkness called life.

Depression? If so then why do I never feel sad? Moments of happiness is rare,but never sad. The only emotions I have is anger, happy, and nothing. Mostly nothingness. A numbness about me that I live with everyday for the past 13 years.

________________ 17 April ____

~

Foot steps outside my door. I look at my clock and it reads 1:45 am. Another night.

The door swings open at exactly 2:00 am. More foot steps come closer.

"Hey honey." A rough, raspy, voice said, sending a shiver down my spine. A hand moves down my back as I lay down on my bed. The Han removes my covers off of my body. Another hand turns off a light on the side table.

Complete darkness.

~

"Chance. What are you thinking right now?"

"Nothing Dr. Baker."

I avoid his question and stare at the 4 tan walls around me. Sitting on the brown, lumpy, couch. I can feel him watch me breath. Nerves take over my body.

"I was at Aunt Katherine's house." I finally say.

"W-What were you doing t-there, at Aunt Katherine's house?"

"It's blurry. My memory."

"Explain it. Are you sure it wasn't just a dream? You have a history of mixing dreams and reality. Sometimes a person in that memory is-"

"I never said it was a person in the memo-" I stop speaking.

The timer goes off on Dr. Bakers desk telling him the appointment is over. He walks over to turn it off. I stand up and take my purse off the floor.

"Oh Chance, here's the new prescription. Take it twice a day."

"Thanks...."

"See you in 2 months."

--------

Waking to the drug store with this thought of disbelief. That blueprint of memory had to of happened years ago, or not at all. But that clock was the one I had at Aunt Katherine's house. It looks the same or was I just imaging it?

Another thing, if it never happened then why did it appear in my mind? My kind is spinning with all of theses thoughts. Is Dr. Barker right? Am I messed up so much I am imaging things? Yes.

In the drug store the pharmacist said it will take 15 mins, so I lolled around the store. A few minutes pass and so far all I have found was a pair of headphones and glittery, black nail polish. I take me phone out to see only 5 minutes have passed. This feels like it is taking forever. Just like everything else.

In the same aisle as me, a blonde haired mother and a snotty nosed, blue eyed, girl about age 6, look up at me as I pass.

~

"Mummy! My tummy hurts." A 6 year old self tells my mum form beside her bed.

"Come here, Chance."

I claim up into her bed. She wraps my blanket around me that I brought into the room earlier. She puts her arms around me and snuggles her head into my neck. And it makes me laugh.

"When you wake,

when you wake,

strong and beautiful you'll be.

Next to me,

next to me...."

She sings to me as I fall asleep in her arms.

~

The memory stops.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry. It wa-"

The voice stops. I look up to see who bumped into me.

Eleanor.

"It's fine." I mumble out.

El tries to help me off the floor, but I push her hand away. I pick my stuff off the floor. When I stand up again, she is still there.

"Yes?"

"Chance..."

"Eleanor..."

"Haha I don't know."

"Same here."

"Can we make up? It just with everything happening now and we might be seeing more of each other... This is hard to say, but I miss you Chance. I am sorry for everything."

Wow. She just said that to me. In a drug store, really?

"Why are you telling me this now? After all these years? Tell me that El!"

"Your the one who doesn't want to talk to me."

"You... You... Ugh!"

Random beep goes off. Then another one. Mine and El's phone. I yank my phone out and she does the same.

A text message.

An unknown number.

A gasp for Eleanor.

And me in disbelief.

Text: Zayn is in hospital. Don't worry, tell u more later