Retreat (ddlb)

21

It has been two weeks since Ezra and I had our talk after movie night. I've gotten used to this place, and it honestly feels like a summer camp- besides the therapist, group therapy, and people walking around with harnesses and diapers. 
I'm really glad I made good friends here, because otherwise it would probably suck ass. Jayden and Darien are cool, and they're funny. I'm not sure why they're here for sure, but then again it's probably none of my business. Ezra and I have certainly gotten closer. I didn't realize I could like him so much, but I do. He's funny, interesting, kind, and still hot. I've been trying really hard to give him more control, and it's been making things somehow better? I know it makes him happy and I'm surprised to admit I secretly really enjoy it. There have been a couple of times when he's joking a lot and teasing me, acting like I'm younger and instead of piss me off it made me feel happy and then some kind of fuzzy feeling would be in my head...
It never fully took over and it was passive, but I know it had something to do with regressing. I don't know if Ezra is able to tell what he's doing or when that happens, but it felt weirdly nice. 
I've also noticed I really do feel better now that I'm here and not at home. I still somewhat wanna die, of course. But it's really quiet right now, compared to where I was three weeks ago. 

I've called my parents every day, and sometimes they call me. A nurse or leader used to sit with me for safety reasons, but now they know it's always my parents and they trust me. Today was no different, I was sitting at lunch with the boys and a leader came up to me and told me my parents were on the phone for me. I nodded a quick goodbye to them before I followed her to the front desk where she handed me the phone before returning to the cafeteria to give me some privacy. 

"Ma? Dad?" I held the phone to my ear, waiting patiently to hear their voices. But my stomach dropped when someone else answered. 

"Jazzz! Hey! I guess it's true, huh? Your parents really shipped you off to the 'ward?" I could hear his dickish grin through the receiver and it made me feel sick. "The fuck do you want?" I responded harshly, wanting this to be over. 

"Damn, bruh chill. Everyone's pretty worried about you, y'know. The real rumor is that you actually fucking killed yourself. A couple people even left fucking flowers for your parents and shit. I just had to know for myself, so I went ahead and asked your parents for the number." This made me livid. Who the fuck does this guy think he is, going to my parents' house? My chest was hurting at the thought of my parents getting those flowers, and it made me feel nauseatingly guilty. They, of course, had never told me about them. 

"Don't go anywhere near my house again, Aidan. And this shit is none of your fucking business." I felt my heart beat when he laughed in response. "Y'know what's even funnier, though, is that everyone seems pretty fucking glad you're gone." I glared at the wall. "Shut the fuck up." He only laughed a little more. "No, no, I'm serious. Your band even has a new drummer. Everyone from school is pretty psyched, too. Except your fucking friends, though. Pretty much all they do is mope around, which is probably why everyone thinks you're dead-" I slammed the phone against the counter. "I said Shut The Fuck Up." Then I hung up the phone. 

I stood there, breathing suddenly heavily and trying to compose myself. I felt a touch on my shoulder and jumped, whipping around. "Hey, are you good? Did your folks say something?" Darien was looking up at me with a very concerned expression on his face, hand outstretched. 
I wanted to reply, but for some reason it felt like I would cry if I did. I nodded, and was able to mutter out 'Bathroom?' to which he nodded and followed me as I turned and walked down the hallway. 

I walked in and went straight to a toilet, puking up the little lunch I had eaten, the anxiety twisting my stomach rapidly. "Fuck, man. D'you need something?" Darien was behind me, still sounding worried. For some reason, only one thought urgently popped into my head.